


Polar Lights

by wanderluster



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 31,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderluster/pseuds/wanderluster
Summary: Clarke Griffin is suffering after having her first child. She is falling apart and there is something mysterious about her past that she can't seem to remember. When she unexpectedly meets Lexa Woods, who has her own struggles and secrets, Clarke finds herself willing to turn her life upside down for her. The two go on an epic roadtrip together as they not only navigate through the wilderness, but also through grief, love, and life.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia & Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 122
Kudos: 126





	1. The Nine of Swords

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!

_The Nine of Swords card represents nightmares, anxiety, grief, and depression_

I jolted awake to the sound of a scream. For a moment, my eyes felt glued shut, unable to open. As the screaming continued, I harshly threw the blanket off myself with a groan. Peering through the window was a brightly lit moon. I dragged my body into the room of my newborn child. 

Was I sleeping? It felt like days since I had been able to sleep. Checking the time on the phone, I calculated the four full hours that I was able sleep. It was the most I had slept since I had been home from the hospital. Gently taking my child, I rocked her back and forth whispering gentle shhhhs. 

My stomach felt like it was turning inside out. Desperately, I wanted nothing more than to put down my own child. My eyelids grew heavy and dry. My eyes forced myself to look at my baby. The body contradicted the mind in that moment. And when I looked at her sweet, beautiful face all that I could see was _**her**_.

I was not quite sure who _**she**_ was. All I can remember is a wide range of feelings associated with a young woman. Ecstasy to suicide and somewhere in between. The presence of those feelings I thought I had forgotten made me nauseous. 

But somehow, I knew that I could not do it again- no. I had failed once before, how could I do it again? What possibly could make me think that I could take care of a baby? Not when I could not even take care of _**her**_. Now, my body was sweating, yet I was shivering. Tears streamed down my face out of dry eyes. Resisting the urge to scream, I bit my tongue. I wanted so badly to do something. To throw something out the window. To break the crib. My body was so weak, and my baby had finally stopped crying. All I could really do was, well, nothing. 

I felt hopeless. My sun blonde hair was pulled into a messy braid and I wasn’t sure when the last time I showered was. 

“Hey, Clarke.” A voice interrupted my thoughts. It was my husband, Finn. 

“I heard Madi crying,” he whispered noticing his baby girl asleep. I sighed a breath of relief. The room was dark so he could not see the darkness in my eyes. 

“Yeah, I got it,” I muttered exhaustingly with a thread of annoyance.

“Are you sure? I can rock her to sleep this time?” Finn’s eyes pleaded with mine. Almost too quickly, I nodded, handing over my child to my husband. 

“Try to get some sleep,” He told me. 

I plopped back into bed that night, throwing my covers back over my body. Sleep never came that night because every time that I drifted off, I was always awakened by the feeling of _**her**_. 

At first, _**she** _was laughing, smiling, and running. 

But then _**she**_ was crying, pacing around, and screaming. 

I decided it would be better to just stay awake.  
...

“Are you sure you’ll be okay today?” Finn had asked me that morning. He looked up at me sipping his cup of coffee. I am convinced he would not live a day without caffeine. When I joke about that to him, he insists he is not addicted, stating he could stop drinking it if he pleased. Not surprisingly, he never stops, so I have gotten used to the morning smell of black coffee throughout the house. I would never admit to him that I secretly love it. The smell is home. 

Straightening his tie slightly, I replied. “It’s only day five. If I can’t handle her on my own now, I don’t think I ever will be able to.” 

A slight smile appeared across his face. “Well, you know if you need me, I will leave work. Anything. Call. Please.” There was a flash of worry in his eyes. Perhaps he saw the look in my eyes the previous night. Or he has picked up on the fact that I can’t say her name. The only time that it slipped out of my mouth was after the childbirth. 

There was so much pain, yet at the same time so much relief. It is a strange feeling to see something that was once physically apart of you, that needed you to survive, to be separate from your own body. An intense bond between my child and I formed long before I saw the baby’s physical being. I know that I love her. But the first time that I saw her, my child, my creation, I saw **_her_**. 

There is something extremely unsettling about her. I can’t seem to put my finger on it. The moment that I looked into her big beautiful eyes, I whispered, “Madi.”  
Finn’s face had fallen. “We talked about names and…” 

I looked him in the eyes so sharply, so fiercely, and repeated. “Madi!” I hardly remember anything else from the experience besides pain. Lots of tears. Even more screaming. 

Later, he asked me where the name Madi came from. I began shaking. “I-I have no idea. I just looked at her and knew.” Some people may think something about that statement was cute, but in reality, it was terrifying. Ever since I was a child, I had wanted to name my daughter Aurora and call her Rory. I can’t even imagine how confused Finn must be at the sudden outburst, but he has been great throughout this process. 

The last thing I remember from the hospital is my parents being there. My mother Abby held my tiny daughter in her arms rocking her sweetly, gently. “Our beautiful babygirl, Rory.” She whispered so quietly that I surprised myself hearing it. 

“It’s Madi,” Finn smiled awkwardly, but I heard a sense of relief like my mother calling her Rory made him feel like he was not crazy.

“What?” My mother looked at him with wide eyes. I would almost say they looked crazy, but I was so drugged up that I can’t be sure. 

“Yup. Clarke named her. Our babygirl, Madi.” Finn repeated. 

My mother began to cry. My father, Jake, put a hand on my mother’s shoulder. “We’re going to step outside.” 

Snapping back to reality, I avoided eye contact with my husband. “I’ll be fine, honey. Have a good day back to work.” 

His brown hair was slicked back behind his ears. I bought him the navy suit he was wearing for our first wedding anniversary. Two years later and he still looks good in it. Walking over to the crib, he said goodbye to our daughter. I could see it in his eyes how much he already loved her, and it made my heart melt. I do love her too, I had to assure myself. 

Yes, I love her. I love my daughter. I love M-. I could not even think the name. But why? 

Who is _**she**_?


	2. The High Priestess

_The High Priestess represents secrets, mystery, intuition, and trusting yourself_

The baby was crying again. Does she ever stop? Frustrated, I slammed my head down against my steering wheel. This child will not even allow me to get groceries without needing attention. Suddenly, an urge to fall asleep overtook me like a wave crashing into a surfer, thrusting them back onto the land. My eyes drooped downwards. There would be no harm in closing them for a moment. Just a moment. 

I jolted awake by the sound of a baby screaming. My baby. How long was I asleep for? Did I even fall asleep? Reality was too confusing to comprehend. My baby girl was wearing a green onesie. She is squirming in her seat, wailing louder than I would ever listen to music in this car. If only baby cries sounded as poetic as music. I sighed and held out a pacifier for her, which her mouth accepted. 

I have read enough parenting books to know that it is not uncommon for me to feel strange after having a child. Although, I never would have anticipated feeling like this. Whatever I want to do to her I really want to do to myself. The urges come as quickly as they go. After they leave, I am left crying at the darkness and sickness of the thoughts. How could a mother think those things about her child? 

That morning, I terrified myself. That is why I decided to get out of the house. I thought that maybe it would help, and so far, it seemed to be a success. Tears began streaming down my face. I have lost track of how many times in a day I cry. No one told me this part about motherhood. 

I looked over at my daughter. Her face was beautiful and precious. Blue eyes peered into mine as she sucked on her pacifier. Our souls were connected. If anything would have happened to her, I would never be able to forgive myself. 

But earlier, I remembered something. It felt as though it was a dream and a memory simultaneously. I was taken into a trance. 

As a young girl, I was wearing a blue dress. My grandma had made it for me, and I always picked it out when I had to dress up for special occasions. Running wildly through the grass, my curly blonde hair got tangled in the tree branches. My body was stuck on the ground, motionless. 

“Nooo!” I had cried. “She’s gonna get me!” 

There was a girl who was younger than I was. _**She**_ stopped running and turned back. Laughing at me, _**she**_ broke the branch that had trapped me. 

“Clumsy Clarke.” _**She**_ laughed. A giggle escaped from my mouth, too.

I almost retorted back at _**her**_ , but we heard rustling form afar. “Hurry!” I said in a hushed tone. _**Her**_ brown hair and dark green eyes matched the woods we were in. I grabbed _**her**_ hand and we ran through the meadow together. 

When I snapped out of the trance, I had no idea where I was. My babygirl was asleep in my arms. The sun beamed down on us and trees engulfed us. I began to cry. My legs were moving before I could think, as I rushed back to the house. I had wandered in the woods. The woods were to the left of our neighborhood, filled with deer and a small creek that ran through it. Had anyone seen me? Did she get sunburnt? 

That’s when I decided to leave my house. Besides, we could use some food anyway. My parents went to the grocery store for us last week, and they did not buy the right types of foods for us. I appreciate their help, but when we say to buy almond milk, they buy 2% milk! Like my body can afford to be drinking that after childbirth.   
My parents. 

Suddenly, I turned my car around. 

“Clarke? What are you doing here?” My father opened the door to his house. The house was a big, Victorian style house painted white. Grey hair slowly began to speckle through my father’s sun blonde hair. I got my hair color from him. 

“Clarke?” My mother popped her head out of the kitchen door frame to greet me. “Let me see that sweet baby!” 

Please. I almost said it aloud, but I forced my mouth shut. My baby made soft noises in the arm’s of my mother. “OOoooh. You’re so happy to see grandma!” 

“How are you feeling, honey?” my father asked me. The smell of chili hit me. When I was young, my dad and his siblings would have a chili cookoff during the holidays. My dad always won, and he was always so proud of that. My family has been always a little too competitive, but it makes those events fun. Well, until a few years ago when my uncle cheated on my aunt Daf. Things have not been the same since. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” I said seriously. 

My father quickly shook his head. His ocean blue eyes, grew darker, almost like a thunderstorm. “Not here.” His voice was low and harsh. It was urgent. 

I opened my mouth to reply, but my mother interrupted from the kitchen. “Are you hungry? We just made chili!” 

“Dad. Please. I don’t know what’s going on.” I cried. Admitting that felt like weight lifted off my shoulders. 

“You can’t have chili, Madi. Not yet. But when your older, your grandpa Jake will teach you his secrets.” My mothers voice rang through my ears. 

My father said nothing. “Who is _**she**_?” It came out more forceful than I intended. 

“Who is who?” my mother came to the living room with my baby in her arms. 

I looked at her and then my father, who looked like he was about to explode. I felt the same as he looked. I placed my hands on my hips, mirroring my father. Like father like daughter. 

My baby was tugging my mother’s light brown hair with her tiny fists. A grin escaped my mother despite what was unfolding in front of her. 

“Who is Madi?” I whispered slowly, unsure if I would be able to say the words aloud. 

Their faces turned whiter than ghosts. “You remember?” My mother asked furrowing her eyebrows. 

“Remember what?” I yelled.

My mother and father stared at each other. “She doesn’t.” My father said quietly. 

My mother began to sob so suddenly that I jumped backwards. “Clarke,” she sniffled. “Madi is-“

“Don’t!” My father boomed. “She’s not ready. She’s unstable.” 

Red flashed through my body. “Tell me!” I screamed. My head was pounding like a basketball dribbling across a court. 

“You need to leave!” My father said venomously, as if I had just broken into his house and stole his most valuable possession. 

A loud, deafening scream escaped my lips as I slammed the front door behind me. In that moment, I hated him. I felt like I did when I was a teenager getting in trouble for drinking or sneaking out. My anger was justified I kept telling myself. 

I slammed my car door shut and squeezed my steering wheel so tightly that my hands turned as white as my parent’s faces had been. 

“Shit!” I cursed aloud. My baby was still with my parents. My body froze. 

I turned my car on and decided to get something that I needed for once. 

A damn drink. 

I’ll show them unstable.


	3. The Wheel of Fortune

_The Wheel of Fortune represents good fortune, a turning point, gambling, and luck_

Arcadia is the small town that I have practically lived in my whole life. For college, I went out of state, but I ended up coming back to Arcadia when Finn and I decided to conceive a child. The worst thing about Arcadia is that there are only two bars. Grounders and Eden’s. Eden’s is filled with adults that never made it out of this town and underage college students visiting from home. I always see someone that I went to high school with there. All too quickly, I decided that I wanted to desperately disappear, so I headed towards Grounders. 

Grounders was a bar populated with dirty, old biker men. I had only spent time at Grounders the summer before college. This was because my best friend from high school, Octavia Blake. Octavia was beautiful, and she had always been the kind of pretty that made men think that if they played their cards right, they might just get to have her. Being attainable is always dangerous. 

Before college began, we got insanely drunk and ended up at Grounders. Octavia’s brother, Bellamy had just been hired as a bartender. This meant that despite not being 21, he could get us drinks. Not to mention free drinks. I prayed he did not still work there. Octavia laid eyes on a strong biker, Lincoln, and it was practically love at first sight. Or lust at first sight. 

Octavia did always have a bad rap sheet in high school, but she was smarter than anyone ever gave her credit for. Even the other girls bought her “stupid but pretty” act. I always wondered if I was the only one who respected her. 

“You know she’s gonna get out of here. She’s smarter than she lets on. But I get that it’s hard to be something else when people have expectations for you.” Bellamy had said to me that night at Grounders with a smile and eyes casted downward.

“What? You don’t want to be a logger?” I slurred sarcastically smirking at him. 

“No. I guess I would rather disappoint myself than my family.” He slid me another vodka drink. 

The Blake family were fourth generation loggers in Arcadia. Loggers and farmers are respected on the west side of town, but not necessarily on the east, which is where I lived. The Blakes were one of the two families respected everywhere in town because of their involvement and kindness.

I snapped out of my memories when I parked my car outside of Grounders. The sign’s light was dimming. Only a few vehicles were in the parking lot, including bikes. Buzzing boomed across my passenger seat. Quickly, I turned my phone off and left it in the car. If only I could turn off my brain and leave it in the car too.   
Sighing, I walked in. My tongue craved the burn of vodka. Awkwardly sitting at the bar, I looked up.

“Clarke Griffin!” Dimples smiled at me. 

“Bellamy?” I smiled back at him. His arms ripped through a plain black shirt. 

“You’re back in town? Still drink vodka sodas?” Bellamy smirked at me. 

“Straight vodka would be better.” I replied.

“Wow, Griffin. You’re a day drinker now?” He asked playfully. 

“Apparently.” I laughed. 

“Don’t ask. Don’t tell. That’s the policy here.” He explained. 

Politely, I smiled and tipped my drink towards him. 

“Octavia is going to be here later tonight. You should stick around. I know she would love to see you.” Bellamy said coolly.

“Oh,” I replied my face turning red. “I haven’t spoken to her in years.” 

“All the more reason to stay,” he told me turning around to help another customer. 

The alcohol helped me not think about her. There were so many questions. So many secrets. 

“Hi!” A voice said from behind me. Mentally, I groaned hoping it was not someone else from my high school. Why does Arcadia have to be such a small town?   
Turning around, I almost choked on my drink. Standing in front of me a gorgeous woman with brunette hair. 

“Are you any good at pool?” Her green eyes locked with mine. I found myself entranced, unable to speak or move. Before I could reply she continued, “Those guys over there think they can beat any woman at the game. But that’s shit. I think we can take them!” She bounced up and down as her eyes filled with passion. 

“I’m not very good at anything involving balls.” I say awkwardly still motionless in front of the woman.

A wicked smile spread across her face. “You could say that again.” 

“Wait…” I said realizing how I sounded. 

“You don’t have to be any good because I am!” The woman smiled at me and pulled my arm, so I was standing up. Before I understood what I was doing, I was walking with her to play pool. 

“I’m Lexa by the way. Lexa Woods.” Her brilliant white teeth flashed at me again. 

“I’m Clarke.” I say.

“You got someone to play with you. Huh? Well, there’s still no chance.” A man said smugly. His arms were crossed over his body. His face looked familiar. “Wait…Is that Clarke Griffin?” 

I examined him more closely at the sound of my name. Thin face. Dark black eyebrows followed by dark eyes. “Murphy.” I breathed. If I thought I could escape high school, I guess I was wrong. This town was a jail cell.

“You better watch out, boys.” Bellamy called from behind the bar. “Griffin gets pretty competitive, if you know what I mean.” Murphy and the other man snickered.   
I shot him a look. No, what did he mean? 

“Well, I didn’t know you were famous here, Clarke Griffin.” Lexa’s eyes locked with mine. I blushed turning away from the woman. My ears perked up with the way that she said my name. 

“Tell Finn no hard feelings when we wipe his money clean,” Murphy said cockily. My heart dropped at Finn’s name. My baby. My reality. It all hit me like a right cross to my face. 

Lexa must have noticed my face growing white because she nudged me and whispered, “They can hardly afford to play us once. Don’t worry.” 

Her smooth buttery voice made me relax. I felt like I was slipping into a video game with her like our life would be regenerated no matter what we did. Dark green eyes started into mine. I found myself sinking deeper and deeper. Abruptly, I felt a rush of bliss surge throughout my body. It felt as if I have been trying to solve a puzzle my entire life and this woman just found the final piece for me. Strangely, I felt like Lexa had been apart of me. There was something about her. The way she was looking at me. The way she carried herself. I needed to find out. 

“You think Finn’s the breadwinner of the house?” I poked at Murphy, suddenly feeling as confident as Lexa. 

Lexa bent down next to the table and used her thin tan arms to break the balls. The balls seemed to be magnetically attracted the hole when Lexa Wood’s had a turn. As for me, I wasn’t even sure how to hold the pool stick. 

“Like this,” Lexa bent down next to me placing a hand on my own, shifting it slightly. “Bet you won’t miss.” 

Her dark green eyes met with mine again, and I know that I fell into them for a moment too long because a ball went flying off the table.   
Murphy burst out laughing, followed by Lexa, Bellamy, and the other man.

“Fuck.” I muttered. 

“Lexa, how much exactly did you bet on this game?” I asked her threw gritted teeth. 

She smiled sheepishly. “Only a few hundred.” 

My eyebrows shot off my face. She laughed at my expression, “Don’t worry. When we win, I’ll buy you something better than that.” Her head nodded towards my glass filled with vodka and ice. 

“I happen to like this,” I shot her a scowl while smiling at the same time. 

“Then you must be dealing with some heavy shit.” Lexa suggested. 

The smile disappeared off my face. Alcohol was rushing through my veins, and I began to slur my words. Lexa and I cheered too loudly when we won. Our hands laced together, but it felt like our entire being intertwined in that moment. Like we were one. Like we always had been one. 

I’m not exactly sure how the next events unfolded. Suddenly, her lips were crashing against mine. The softness and gentle touch of her lips contradicted her aggressive animal like motion. I rushed to keep up with her dominance, her lips winning. 

I stepped back, frowning at the brunette in front of me. Her eyes looked lost. “What’s wr..”she began. 

But when stared at her face, I know what I saw. I know what I felt. In Lexa’s dimples, her flashing white teeth, dark intense green eyes, even in her high cheekbones; I felt it. 

I closed my eyes and opened them again. All I could see and feel was _**her.**_

Before Lexa could finish her question, I grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her harder.


	4. The Lovers

_The Lovers represents partnership, deep love, a choice, the strength of two together_

I awoke the next morning with a dull pain in the back of my head. Groaning, I rolled over and almost choked. There she was. Lexa Woods was laying in this bed beside me. Her face reminded me of soft silk. So peaceful. 

Instantly, I realized that I was not even sure where I was. Hands crashed into my face as I sat up, beginning to breathe heavily. I could not even think about what had happened the previous night because my stomach began to churn. Throwing the covers back, I bolted to the bathroom. Vomit escaped from my mouth, pouring into the toilet. 

“Oh, god. Are you alright?” Lexa asked me as her hips leaned against the door frame. Purple bags highlighted underneath her squinted eyes. 

I looked up at her in shock. “Um….” I said. “Did we…?” My voice trailed off. Did we have sex? I remember the passionate kiss. There was flirting. Touching. More kissing. 

The memories of last night flooded my brain. 

“O!” I had screamed when I saw Octavia Blake enter the bar next to her boyfriend, Lincoln. A hidden excitement to see my oldest friend revealed itself in that moment like a black light revealing a hidden message. 

“Griffin?! What are you doing on this side of town? Don’t tell me Abby and Jake don’t know!” She beamed at me pulling me into an embrace. It is so strange how you can be with a person you haven’t seen in years and jump right back in where you left off. 

“Please don’t tell them,” I slurred smiling. My head was spinning, but I felt so happy. I felt like I was young and wild as if I were trying alcohol for the first time. 

“You remember Lincoln?” Octavia pointed to the broad-shouldered man next to her. 

“Yes, I can’t believe that you are both still together after that night!” I exclaimed. 

“And you’re still with Finn?” She asked.

Finn. Before I could answer, Lexa slid next to me holding a drink. “For the best pool partner.” 

“What is it?” my eyebrows raised up at her, along with my lips.

“Just try it,” she replied rolling her eyes. I hesitated, but then our eyes met. Something in her dark green eyes waved at me and told me that it was safe to trust her. It called to me. Overwhelmingly, a feeling overtook my body. I had to make this woman happy. I had to protect her. There was no other way to explain it. 

Taking the straw, I sipped the drink. “This is amazing. What is this?” 

“I knew you would like it!” Lexa smirked. “It’s an amaretto sour.” Before I knew it, I was chugging the sweet drink. 

“This is Lexa,” I introduced her to Octavia and Lincoln. “We are the pool queens.” 

“Pool queens? I like it!” Lexa sang. 

“Since when do you play sports, Griffin?” Octavia scoffed. 

“That’s what I said.” A voice appeared from behind. Bellamy swooped behind us and pulled his younger sister into a hug. 

“Someone finally came in here and beat Murphy. That guy was getting way too cocky.” Bellamy joked. 

I had gotten the whole update on the Blake’s lives. The five years that I had missed. Octavia lived in the nearest big city from Arcadia, which was about two hours away. She had made it out, just as Bellamy predicted. Lincoln and her lived in a small studio apartment that costs more than Belllamy makes bartending. Lincoln owned his own construction company, and Octavia managed to get a financial office job with an insurance company. Bellamy, on the other hand had spent his life in Arcadia bartending and working for his family. He met Echo, who lives on the east side of town, and they are now engaged. 

I tried not to answer many questions about my life, but they were hard to avoid. 

“Let’s do shots!” I shouted. No one opposed.

I tried so hard not to be nosey about Lexa’s life, especially since I did not want her asking questions about mine. There was something about her that made me feel like I had known her my entire life.

“What brings you to Arcadia?” I asked her.

“I’m passing through. I’m on a roadtrip to see the Northern Lights!” Her dark green eyes filled with so much spark that I thought she may catch on fire.   
“That’s the number one thing on my bucket list!” I screamed excitedly jumping out of my stool. 

“What’s the point of having a bucket list if you’re never going to do any of the things on them. Isn’t is better to just do it?” Lexa asked nearly spilling over her drink. 

My heart dropped, yet it burst outside of my body at the same time. I had never felt more understood in my life. “I need to see the Northern Lights!” I cried. 

“Come with me!” Her voice was serious, hinting at excitement. At adventure. 

“Yes!” I had said truly meaning it in that moment. My whole life had felt fake until the moment I was in the presence of her. 

For a moment, I remembered why I had come to Grounders in the first place. _**Her.**_ My thoughts jumped down a vortex of worries. Did my parents have my baby? Is Finn home? Does she miss her mom? My baby has never been away from me for a whole day. 

I forgot about all of that the moment that I dared to look into Lexa Wood’s eyes again. The dark green eyes reminded me of a forest. Forests were beautiful, but they were populated with dangerous and unknown creatures. What creatures could this women be hiding? I wanted more than anything to know.  
Back in Lexa’s bathroom, my eyes gazed at hers. 

“I don’t remember if we did that.” Lexa’s voice was weak.

I gulped. 

“Listen, Clarke. I don’t usually do this type of thing. I’m not sure what’s gotten into me.” Lexa told me adverting her eyes followed by dark eyebrows furrowed downward. 

“I don’t usually do this either,” was what I managed to breathe out. My body was still towering over the toilet. 

“We must have been really drunk. I’m sorry.” Her voice was unsteady. 

“Don’t be sorry!” I cried quickly looking at Lexa. 

Her face twisted in confusion, and I think mine did too. “I had a lot of fun. I wish I did remember.” 

Lexa smiled for a moment, but her flashing white teeth was quickly replaced by a frown. “You are so beautiful, Clarke.” 

“I just threw up in front of you,” I laughed. Her eyes squinted at me as she laughed at the situation. 

“I should probably go.” I said realizing that I had been out all night. What was I going to say to Finn? 

Lexa nodded. 

As I raced out the door, I heard Lexa whisper, “May we meet again.” 

My heart sank at the thought of facing Finn, but it hurt even more thinking about never seeing Lexa Woods again. 

“May we meet again.” I whispered back.


	5. Death

_Death represents big changes, endings, time to move on, rebirth, transformation_

When I raced out the door of Lexa's motel room, I realized that my car was not in the parking lot. The motel was a few blocks away from Grounders. The place was more deserted a high school on the first day of summer break. This motel only filled to capacity once a year during a well-known bike ride across the state. Arcadia marked the halfway point of the ride. In college, when I told people that Arcadia was my hometown, they often looked at me with wide eyes as if they knew the town like the back of their hand. 

I groaned and walked towards Grounders. Pain grew in my stomach with every step, but the pain distracted me from my internal conflict. Opening the door, I was hit with a smell of stale beer and sweat. The bar was empty, unlike my head. Octavia was behind the bar, wiping down the counters. 

"Hey," I approached her. "I can't find my keys or wallet. Any chance I left them here?" My face grew red. Did she know that I went home with Lexa last night? 

"Let me ask Bell. How are you feeling?" Octavia asked me. Her voice rang to her brother in the back room. 

"Not well," I admitted sheepishly. "But it was good to see you last night. It's been a long time." My ice blue ice casted downward. I pretended to read the mat on the counter. 

Octavia nodded. "I know. I don't blame you though. I mean after the whole incident." Her voice was slow. Calculated. Calm. 

"Incident?" I blurted. 

She looked up from wiping the bar counter. Her face twisted as if I was a stranger hitting on her and she was politely turning me down. 

"You don't remember?" Octavia suggested tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. 

"Here are your keys and wallet, Griffin!" Bellamy cut in beaming. "You don't look so good...sure you're okay to drive?"

I felt as if I was a stone statue, unable to move. Time felt like it ceased to exist. Before I knew it, I snatched the keys and wallet out of Bellamy's hand and was rushing out the door. 

"I gotta go." I said so quickly that I couldn't comprehend my own words. 

Octavia called after me, but my feet wouldn't stop. 

It almost felt like my body did not want to know. Like it knew that it wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

Internally, I began to rehearse what I would say to Finn. A fear grew inside of me that if I did not face him now, then I may never. 

Slowly, I pulled into the garage of my home. The clock said it was 8:43 am. My stomach hurt from the alcohol the night before and the anxiety building up.  
When I stepped through the door, Finn was sitting on the couch frowning. 

"Clarke! Where have you been?" He cried jumping up. Brown, greasy hair slicked back behind his ears.

"I'm so sorry, Finn. I was at Grounders and lost track of time." I explained. My breathe began to fluctuate almost as quickly as the weather changed in the Midwest. 

"I'm worried about you." He said calmer than before. 

I avoided his eyes. My eyes had always been a giveaway. When I was younger, my parents could always tell if I was lying because my eyes flashed with guilt. My tell always felt to me like I had a giant billboard stapled to my face screaming: I AM LYING. In other words, I found it incredibly annoying, yet I could not change.

"Your parents called." Finn continued. "You left Madi with them?" 

I squinted my eyes, feeling a rush of anger. "I needed some time alone. That's all." 

"Clarke." Finn's lips moved slowly, and he looked into my ice blue eyes. "I think maybe you need to talk to someone. Get help. Have you heard of postpartum depression?" 

"I'm not depressed, Finn!" I shouted defensively. 

He took a step forward surrendering his hands. “Something is going on.” It was a statement, not a question. 

In response, I crossed my arms. 

"What's our daughters name?" Finn retorted, already knowing the answer. 

I breathed deeply, opening my mouth, but no words came out. 

"You can't even say her name! Why can't you say it?" The way that he looked at me made me feel like I belonged in a mental institution. Or prison. Someone behind bars, that’s for sure.

Tears burst out of my eyelids as my body began to shake. 

"Where is she?" I asked feeling a sudden maternal instinct. 

"She's with Abby and Jake." Finn replied lowly.

"Finn, I love her so much, but I'm afraid that I might hurt her." I admitted weakly. "I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to her." 

When I gazed into his eyes, they were filled with sadness. Inside his pupil, it was apparent that this is not how he imagined fatherhood would be. They were filled with disappointment. Concern. Fear. 

Suddenly, I knew. It hit me as suddenly as a firework exploded in the dark night sky. I loved Finn, but I was not in love with him.  
He was my best friend. Almost like a father figure. The passion and the longing had never existed between us. Not like it did with Lexa Woods.

"We can get you help." His voice was soft and understanding, and it made me cry harder because I knew that I was causing him pain. I would continue to cause him pain if we stayed together. 

"I need to go away for a few days. I think it's the only way. I'll figure out what's going on." I said quickly, surprising myself. 

"Go where?" Finn looked appalled. 

"To see the Northern Lights," I answered. 

"Clarke! Are you crazy? You have a family here. What about Madi? What about me?" He yelled beginning to pace the room. He shoved his hair behind his ears. 

"I love you both. I know this makes no sense right now, but I need to do this. For her. And you. For me." A rush of confidence surged through my body making me feel like liquid gold. This was the right thing to do. The crazy thing about knowing what the right thing for you is that only you can truly understand it. The right thing does not always make sense. In that moment, I knew that I had to do this. I did not truly understand why or what had called me to it. There was something about the Northern Lights that reminded me of a distant memory, possibly even a dream. 

"You can't." Finn said sternly. 

"Tell my daughter that I love her." I whispered. 

"Tell her yourself!" He shot back.

I slipped out the door and back into the car. Finn followed me yelling, then pleading. He fell to his knees, slamming the hood of my car with his hands. 

"Til death do us part." I whispered finally understanding the phrase. It used to be a promise, but now it was simply a statement. Perhaps death does not only occur when your physical being dies. What if death can happen internally? Happening a handfuls of times in all of our lives. 

Crying, I drove to Lexa's motel room, and I prayed that she had not left yet. 

At her door, my heart began to beat so fast that I thought it was going to jump out of my throat. 

Slowly, I knocked.


	6. The Fool

_The fool represents fresh hope, taking chances, new paths and adventures, beginnings_

There was no answer. My knuckles knocked on the door harder and faster as my fists clenched tightly. Did I just leave my family to go on a roadtrip with a woman that I just met? 

I stepped backwards. Suddenly, I felt as if I was going to throw up again today. 

The door swung open. “Clarke? What are you doing here?” Lexa asked me. Her face was filled with confusion and slight amusement. Arms tucked tightly against her chest.

“I’m so happy that you haven’t left yet!” I exclaimed. “I want to come with you.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized how stupid I sounded. There was a good chance that Lexa did not even recall the conversation we had. She was equally likely to not have sincerely meant the invitation to come along. The alcohol was the one talking. 

“To see the Northern Lights?” Lexa questioned. Anticipation filled her dark green eyes. 

“If that’s okay…” I said slowly beginning to feel insecure. I had not felt this exposed in a long time. Hey, it’s me. A random woman that you may have slept with, and I would like to go adventure with you. 

“Yes! This will be so much fun!” White teeth appeared. 

Suddenly, I noticed that her eyes were red. That’s when the presence of _**her**_ was felt by me again. Another time I felt it by looking at Lexa. This overbearing need to protect and nurture Lexa grew inside of me. It was like the need had grown so rapidly that it could not only exist inside of me. That is how I felt with my daughter. Why was I feeling it for Lexa, too? Why did she remind me of _**her**_?

“Have you been crying?” I stepped towards her taking her hand. I like to think that I am not typically this nosey. 

“I’m fine.” Lexa waved her hand through the air like she just flicked her problem away. “Especially since you are joining me! What made you change your mind?” 

“Why haven’t you left yet?” I asked her, ignoring her question. 

“I was having some trouble getting out of bed.” Lexa admitted sheepishly. 

“And crying?” It was more forceful than I intended, but she did not even flinch. 

“Clarke, really. I’m fine!” Lexa assured me smiling softly. “Just too much to drink last night.” 

That was the second time that she had used that excuse today. Little did I know that is would be used over and over again like a broken record playing the same song.

I nodded in reluctance and walked into her room. Clothes were scattered around the room as the old boxed TV hummed in the background. Bedding piled on the floor. Shards of a yellow plate encompassed a corner of the room. It looked like someone had tried to rob her motel room. 

“What happened to your room?” I furrowed my eyebrows. The motel room did not look like this when I was there hours before. 

“Oh,” Lexa giggled. “I couldn’t find something. I’m not usually this messy.” 

Messy people do not usually break plates, but maybe it was an accident. I decided to let it go. 

“Once I get packed, we can leave. Is there anything that you need? Or anyone that you need to say goodbye to?” she asked me, quirking an eyebrow up. 

“It would be better if I didn’t.” I muttered. 

“You never answered my question. From before.” Lexa continued picking up a shoe and placed it in a bag.

I stared at her blankly.

“What made you change your mind?” she repeated. 

In that moment, my mind was as blank as an unused sheet of paper. I was unable to throw out a shitty excuse to her. “It just feels like what I’m suppose to do.” I finally said after what felt like minutes. After all, it was the truest answer I could give at the time. 

She nodded. “That makes enough sense.” Lexa smiled a genuine smile to me with her eyes. 

If she knew about Finn, she never asked about him that day. Instead, her body moved closer to mine. “So…” her sultry voice rang through my ears, “Do we have to be drunk for me to kiss you again?” 

I shook my head. “Definitely not.” 

Lexa slid her hands on my hips and kissed me gently. The kiss was different from last night. Before it was a longing, a yearning, for more. It was plead to see and feel more of me. This time, it felt more like an appreciation. As if she was expressing her gratitude towards my existence. 

“This will make the trip a lot more fun.” Lexa winked at me pulling away. I was left breathless. 

I had been with a woman before. During my freshman year of college, I had befriended a woman named, Niylah. She had been my roommate’s lab partner that semester. One night, after a party, we ended up having sex. The second that our lips touched, I knew that I was attracted to woman. Shortly after, I met Finn. 

No one had ever kissed me like Lexa Woods had in the past 24 hours. 

“Why do you want to see the Northern Lights so badly anyway?” I asked Lexa. Chills ran down my spine since I knew next to nothing about her.

“It feels like it’s what I’m supposed to do,” she grinned in a half mocking tone. Lexa did not want to talk about the importance of the Aurora Borealis to her; just as I could not convey why I wanted to go. It suddenly occurred to me that Lexa may have skeletons in her closet, too. 

We both had secrets. The difference was that I was determined to find out both my own and hers. 

When I agreed to ride along with her, neither of us would have ever anticipated what was going to happen. Before I embarked on a journey with her, maybe it would have been smart to ask her more questions about her life. But to be fair, I was desperate not to answer my own. 

Life has an unusual way of bringing people together who need each other. 

Then again, it is not really an adventure if you know exactly how it’s going to end.


	7. Six of Cups

_The six of cups represents nostalgia, gifts, innocence, and reunions_

People will tell you that Iowa is a boring state. Many may not even be sure where the state falls in the country. At first glance, the state is filled with endless fields of corn and rusty silver silos standing tall. Windmills can be seen from miles away, and tractors can even be seen on the road. When that happens, everyone in the car with you laughs and says, “Typical Iowa.” 

Every state has their rows of farms; it is just that Iowa seems to have significantly more than other states. But there is hidden beauty if you look. Sometimes, I think we get so used to doing that we forget being. Outside, the sky was painted lilac and peach. 

My favorite memories with my parents are watching the sunset cast over Pine Lake. Pine Lake is a lake that my family used to rent cabins from every year. Scratching my head, I cannot recall why we stopped going. I frowned trying not to get too lost in my head.

“Where are you from?” I asked Lexa. 

“I grew up in Pennsylvania but moved to the southern tip of Illinois for family.” She answered not taking her eyes off the road ahead of us. 

“So you haven’t been traveling for long?”

“Just started the other day. Arcadia just happened to be my first stop. How lucky is that?” Lexa smiled casually looking into my eyes. 

“Ever been to Iowa before?” 

“In passing. It really is beautiful though.” Her shoulder nudged to the sunset outside. Relief ran through my body because Lexa could see the same beauty as I could. 

“Yeah. My parents and I used to go to this lake called Pine lake. It’s probably my favorite spot in the world. Not because it’s the most beautiful, but it’s the most significant.” 

“Are we going heading that direction? We can stop there if you’d like.”

A nervous laugh escaped my lips. “I don’t think it’s worthy of this roadtrip.” 

Lexa studied my face for a few moments. “If it’s important to you, then I know it’s worthy.” Her voice was sweet like caramel. 

Forcing my face into a smile, I clenched my teeth. Telling Lexa that I didn’t want to go was like telling my sweet old neighbor lady that makes me walnut banana bread every year for Christmas that I am allergic to walnuts. You simply don’t say that because you appreciate the gesture.

“What about the place makes it so special to you?” Lexa asked me. 

My thoughts suddenly vaporized, as if I couldn’t hold onto what I was thinking. “Family.” Sputtered out.

In the driver’s seat, she picked at her fingernails with her thumb. “Are you close?”

I nodded. “I live close to my parents.”

“And what do they think about this whole roadtrip?” Lexa looked at me sideways. 

“Not much. What about you?” Desperate to get the attention off of me. 

“I’m close with my sister.” Lexa shrugged like there was something that she wanted to get off her shoulders. Silence filled the car just like darkness filled the sky.

_Sister._

“We should stop at Glacier National Park in Montana. I have always wanted to go!” Lexa bounced up and down in her seat like a child. 

“I’ve never heard of it before, but sure.” 

“Oh, Clarke. It looks gorgeous.” It made a stunning sort of sense that a woman as attractive as Lexa would be drawn towards other things that were majestic. 

As the sky sank into a deep blue, I too drifted into a light sleep. Dreams intoxicated my mind like I had drunk a whole bottle of liquor.

At first, my dreams didn’t make much sense. They contained fragments and images of things that I was not able to comprehend. Canoe. Swing. Smiling.   
Then there was screaming. A loud torturous scream from a woman. My ears perked at the sound. Lush forests imposed on both sides of me as I spun around. Behind me, my father abruptly jumped into a lake of water. The water was dark and venomous looking, almost a black color from the distance. It was like the water made a ‘come here’ motion with its crooked pointer finger, drawing me towards the blackness.

“Oh god,” my mother wept. Stumbling like a frantic drunk, she fell to her knees.

That animalistic instinct overtook my body. I began running towards her through the darkness. Branches of trees scratched through my body as I whipped past them. My chest pounded.

Underneath the moonlight, I stopped next to my mother. A ghostly chill entered my body. I began to twist towards the lake and…

A gentle shake awoke my body. “Clarke, we’ve stopped.” Lexa’s voice rang as my eyes fluttered open. 

Suddenly, I felt like the car was enclosing on me. Still in a daze, I bolted out. Lexa had stopped at a motel that looked equivalent to the one in Arcadia. Old and empty like one of those towns that the government creates to test nuclear bombs. 

I took a deep breathe trying to will my thumping pulse to slow. 

I only knew one thing for sure: That was not a dream. It was a memory. 

And it had happened at Pine Lake.


	8. Six of Swords

_The six of swords represents a necessary transition, relocating, and moving_

The next morning, I slept in. I had almost forgotten how exhausting having a child had been. Guilt swam through my chest. Like a savage, my hands tore through the bed sheets looking for my phone. Gripping it in my hands, I looked through the messages from my parents and Finn. 

Stepping outside, I leaned against the rail. Our motel room was located on the second story. To the right of me, a middle-aged man arched his back and blew out smoke from a cigarette. 

“Hi dad,” I said when my father answered his phone. I could see him in kitchen next to my mother, who would be pacing. 

“Clarke? Where are you?” His voice was filled with worry and outrage. It was a tone that he had never used with me before. 

“I’m okay. At a motel in northwest Iowa.” I answered vaguely. 

“We’re coming to get you.” My father said as if that is why I had called him. 

“No!” I hoped that it didn’t sound as desperate as I had felt. After a few deep breaths, I continued, “I need this, dad.” 

“What you need is to go to a doctor! Are you insane? Because I know you’re not stupid.” He cried. 

Tears filled my eyes. “I know that you don’t understand.” 

I don’t even remember what he said next. Ignoring his harsh words, I remained calm. It was like my head had enough pain filling it that when my dad knocked on the door, my brain locked it instead of opening it wide.

“Why did we stop going to Pine Lake?” I blurted suddenly. 

“What did you say?” My father’s voice grew low.

Silence filled the gap between us. It hurt to disappoint my father like this. I had always found it a struggle to separate my identity from my parents. What I wanted for myself versus what my parents expected of me. Isn’t that what we all struggle with?

I thought back to my studies with Maori, the indigenous culture in New Zealand. According to multiple different creation story narratives, the children and the parents had to separate in order to bring light onto the world. That’s how I felt sometimes, like I could not truly shine until my identity was my own, despite how heartbreaking that may seem.

When I had gotten into med school early, my parents had never been prouder. My mother was also a doctor. I spent countless hours in the brightly lit white waiting room chatting with patients and assisting the nurses. Being a surgeon had been a significant part of my identity. But now that I was on maternity leave, I was so unsure of myself. How frightening. 

To pass time, I had began painting when I first took time off work. Painting and drawing were something that I had loved as a child, but I rarely found time for it with all the studying and work. After I had my baby girl, my drawings became as dark as my thoughts, so I stopped again. 

I thought in that moment that maybe I had stopped painting in the first place for that very reason. 

“This is about _**her.**_ ” He was whispering now.

“Who?” I asked. I already knew the answer, but at the same time, I didn’t. 

“Madi.” 

“Who is that?!” Screams escaped my lips so loudly that the man smoking his cigarette watched me with wide eyes. 

“Please come home, honey.” He answered after a long stretch of silence. 

But instead, I hung up on him. 

When Lexa returned from the gas station that was down the street that morning, she had bought coffee and donuts.

“Ready to go?” She smiled happily taking a bite of a sprinkled donut. 

Quickly, I scribbled down the contacts that I would need on a napkin. 

I needed time for me, so I left my phone in that motel room.  
...

“Do you think we could skip Pine Lake?” I asked Lexa slowly with puppy dog eyes. I braced for an infinite amount of questions and some arguing. 

She whipped her head towards me. “Why?” Her voice contained no disappointment, only curiosity. 

“It has some bad memories.” I sighed looking outside my window. The day was filled with clouds ahead. 

“Okay. We’re about to be in South Dakota. Maybe we can find somewhere cool to stop there.” Her white teeth appeared making me breathe again.  
If there was a trophy for the most successful person that was avoiding feelings, I would have won it in a heartbeat. 

Honestly, at the time I thought that was what was best for me. 

Maybe if Lexa and I would have stopped there, I could have puzzled all the pieces together right then and there. I could have avoided this whole mess.  
When we passed the lake, I felt a relief flood through my body. I felt free of the thoughts of _**her**_ in the moment. For split second, it was me just me again. Pure bliss. 

What comes up must come down.


	9. The Queen of Wands

_The Queen of Wands represents a feisty person, confidence, and self-assurance_

“Tell me something about you, Clarke Griffin.” Lexa asked a few hours later. 

I had been so lost in thought and watching the scenery come and go as quickly as I had watched my life go by. “What do you want to know?” I asked feeling my heart race. 

“Whatever you want to tell me.” Lexa replied. I always appreciated how she never pried. 

“Well, I’m a doctor.”

“That’s amazing!” She was taken aback. “What kind?” 

“Cardiologist.” I answered. 

For a brief moment, she frowned. “Do you work?” I asked.

If I was being honest, I had not thought much about Lexa’s life. Curiosity and intrigue filled my veins.

“I’m a financial analyst.” 

A look of disgust sprawled across my face. 

“I know it sounds boring, but there’s a lot to investments. You would be surprised!” She pursed her lips. 

“Fine.” I rolled my eyes playfully. “Tell me something interesting about it then.” 

“Well, I don’t know what you find interesting. But I think it’s cool how psychology influences finances. The why behind the investing. The fear and anticipation that affects the markets. In my opinion, it’s something that’s overlooked!” Lexa said passionately. 

I looked at her closely, taking in her whole presence. She had long brunette hair that was mostly straight but had a few hairs that were wavy. High cheekbones jutted out of her face that was speckled with light freckles. Dimples greeted me every time she smiled. Her eyes were the most predominate thing about her face. Large dark green orbs lit up her whole being. The passion and desire that filled them was something special. Rare. 

“You stopped something that interesting to go on a roadtrip?” I joked.

“Something like that.” Her dark eyebrows rose, and she smirked. 

We listened to music and sang together for the rest of the drive to South Dakota. Lexa danced like she wasn’t driving, always making me slap at her to watch the road. She listened to small bands that I had never heard of it. When I took the aux, I was surprised that she knew the music I was playing. If Lexa Woods had a hidden talent, it’s knowing every lyric to every song.

Personally, I am a horrible singer, but I do it anyway. Why live life and not sing just because your bad at it? Lexa’s eyes and mine connected making me smile so wide. I was so happy in that moment. It was one of those moments when you are so content that if you did die, it would be fine because you felt so full. 

“Are you a fan of history?” Lexa grinned after we passed the state line. 

“I guess so…why?” I hesitated. 

“Does your favorite president happen to be Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, or Roosevelt?” She asked me, biting her smile.

“Lexa, what?” I spit out laughing. 

“Let’s go to Mount Rushmore!” She beamed excitedly. In these moods of spontaneity, she reminded me of a child. 

I agreed. 

The hike to the faces of the four presidents was longer than I anticipated. My legs were practically running trying to keep up with the pace that Lexa was walking. When we finally arrived in front of the view, I sat on a rock and looked in awe. Lexa handed me some water as I panted heavily. 

“Would you want your face blasted into a mountain?” I asked her half laughing. 

Lexa looked amused. “I think the idea is a bit romantic. What do you think?”

“I think I would not want to be looked at by random strangers centuries later. I hardly want to be looked at now.” I scoffed. 

Lexa laughed loudly. “But you’re so much fun to look at!” 

My eyebrows lifted as I smirked at her. The gesture made her laugh even harder. Her hips slid next to mine on the rock that we now shared.

“I mean that if there was a face to carve in a mountain, it’s definitely yours.” Eyelashes blinked at me. 

My lips craved hers like an addict craves a good hit. In that moment, I needed her. Staring at her lips, I began to bite my own. My head turned away. 

“If there was a face to slap, it would be yours.” I retorted holding in my own laugh. 

She scoffed and laughed. “Then why don’t you slap it?” 

“I could never hurt you.” The words came out so forcefully and serious. 

Lexa smiled. “Well, hopefully you don’t have to.” She wandered ahead the track looking at every tree and rock in wonder. 

Butterflies flew through my stomach at the thought of Lexa. What I wanted to do with her. To her. For her. The ideas were infinite. 

Lexa's presence took me with as much force as it took to carve Mount Rushmore. 

This crush was going to crush me.


	10. Justice

_Justice represents cause and effect, win-win solutions, the truth comes out_

“We only have one bed rooms left.” The young man explained to us not looking up from his crossword puzzle. His face was round along with his belly that hung out of a button-up shirt. 

Lexa looked at me hesitantly. I shrugged trying to remain casual, but I could feel goosebumps forming across my skin. 

“That’s fine.” She told the man in an unreadable tone. 

Lexa walked ahead of me with her backpack slugged across her left arm. I could barely keep my eyes open before I walked through the door to the room. 

“You know, I can sleep on the floor.” Lexa stated casually pointing to the carpet. The room looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in a few days. 

I shook my head. “We can share this bed.” I insisted trying to hold back a smirk. 

Sighing, Lexa sat on the bed and let her backpack bounce off of her. “Clarke, I know somethings going on with you, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” The words were slow and calculated. 

“Wait. What?” I frowned placing a hand on my hips. 

Lexa’s eyes pierced through me, and I felt my defensiveness lift immediately. “You’re not making me uncomfortable, Lexa. We can share a bed.” I smiled sitting next to her. 

“Okay.” The word was shaky. 

“You’re right though.” I said anxiously. I wanted to make Lexa feel better more than anything else. “Something is going on with me. I’m not even sure myself.” Tension ran through my body. My heart started racing at the words that I had just said aloud. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asked kindly, placing her hand on my knee. At her touch, my body slowed. It was like I had been sprinting, but now I could finally stop and breathe.

“It’s kinda hard to explain.” I paused, “I think there was someone in my life, but I can’t remember. Someone who made me feel intense emotions…both good and bad.”

“Like a lover?” She furrowed her eyebrows. 

“I’m not sure. Someone I loved deeply. A woman.” I stared at the wall ahead of me as if I could find all the answers inside of it. “I think her name was Madi.” 

“That’s really strange that you can’t remember. Are you sure it’s real?” Lexa asked. 

“I wasn’t sure at first, but now I am.” I continued. 

“Have you asked anyone in your life that might know?” Her hand was grasping mine now. Circles were being drawn across my skin with her thumb.

“Yes, but everyone seems to be keeping it a secret. I feel like I am the only one who doesn’t know.” My stomach flopped.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. That must be really confusing and difficult.” Lexa replied. 

I nodded. “I feel like an outsider in my own life.” 

“Is that why you decided to come with me?” She suggested. Green eyes sank into mine. There was a hint of sadness and longing. 

“Partly…” I trailed off not saying the rest of my answered aloud. My daughter. Finn. My parents. The fact that Lexa reminded me of **_her._**

“What was she like?” Lexa asked after a long moment of silence. “Madi?” She continued after seeing the look of confusion that sprawled across my face. 

“I don’t even remember that.” I frowned. 

Lexa looked at me apologetically. “You’ll remember, Clarke. There’s a reason that your mind hid it, but maybe it’s ready to be understood so that you can heal.”

“If it’s really that bad then maybe it would be better if I could just forget it forever.” I laughed covering up the panic that hit my chest. 

Pink lips turned upward. Lexa shifted her body closer to mine. “We all numb things. But that’s not really living, is it? Being fine is basically saying that you’re half dead. Why not just feel it all? The good, the bad, and the ugly.” 

“Because feeling things is hard,” I admitted weakly. 

“Clarke, I think pretending is a lot harder.” Lexa explained. Her hand squeezed mine tightly like she was telling me that she wouldn’t let go. 

I sighed for two reasons. One, I knew she was right. Two, she’s smart and comforting, and that makes me even more attracted to her than I already was. 

“Well, can we at least go numb our feelings at the bar across the street? Just for the night?” I asked lightening up the mood. 

Her laughter filled my ears. I learned that laughing meant yes because she swung my body out the door. 

The bar was empty besides for a group of friends celebrating a birthday party and a few alcoholics that needed to drink every night, so they didn’t have to go home to their family. It reminded me of trashy college bar trying so hard to be upscale. A new coat of paint hung around the walls, yet the floor was cracked and rustic. 

“You know we can take turns driving.” I mentioned to Lexa that night. 

“I enjoy driving,” Lexa shrugged. 

“You asked me to tell you something interesting about myself today, but now I want to hear something interesting about you.” A smile spread across my face, and the alcohol was passing through my blood brain barrier quickly. I always have been a lightweight. When I tell people that, they typically get jealous and say something about how nice it must be to not have to spend more money on booze. I’ve never had a high tolerance for anything if I’m being honest. 

For a moment, I thought Lexa looked at me with pure lust. Biting her lip slowly. But then she shrugged, shifting her mood. “You told me a pretty boring fact earlier.” 

I feigned offensiveness. “Being a cardiologist isn’t boring.” 

“That’s something that anyone could know about you. Tell me something more interesting, and I’ll do the same.” Lexa smirked like this was a game. 

“Hey! I told you about Madi.” My arms crossed over my body. I surprised myself at how I could say her name in a conversation so easily. 

Lexa playfully rolled her eyes. “That was very vague.” 

“But you’re the only person I’ve told, so you should feel special.” I gave my sweetest smile. 

Lexa laughed. “You are good at making me feel something that’s for sure.” 

I blushed and turned away. After another round of drinks and Lexa telling me about the time she traveled the Camino in Spain, we headed back to the motel. Our hands interlocked, and it amazed me how nicely they fit together. That’s something I always appreciated about being with Lexa- it was always easy. Even when things got crazy, which they do, it always felt natural. Being with her made me feel like I do when I am on top of a mountain. Deep peace.

I fell asleep in Lexa’s arms. I wished that I could stay awake for longer to soak in the moments of her touch and presence, but I was exhausted. I awoke to the sound of buzzing. It had been one of those moments where I had dreamt the noise, and then suddenly I woke up to it. 

Lexa was rolled to her side still sleeping. The buzzing boomed through the whole room because it was on the wooden nightstand. Groggily, I rolled over to peak at Lexa’s phone. 

6 missed calls from Anya.

Who is Anya? And why is she calling Lexa at 3am?


	11. Three of Wands

_The Three of Wands represents teamwork, commerce, expansion, and travel_

The next morning, the question lingered in my head. It was like having rays of sunlight in your viewpoint and trying to focus on anything but that- nearly impossible. Who was Anya?

When I rolled over, Lexa was not beside me. Suddenly, a rush of anxiety hit me. What if Lexa had left? I would be stuck here in South Dakota with no phone. The thoughts sped my breathing up. I felt as if someone was trying to give me CPR, but they could not pound their palms against my chest fast enough.   
In midst of my panic, a sweaty woman danced through the hotel room. 

“Good morning, Clarke!” Lexa beamed at me. Earbuds popped out of her ear, and I could still hear the upbeat music playing softly. Sweat drenched her tank top. 

I swallowed my worry and asked, “Where were you?”

“Running. I couldn’t sleep. Will you be ready soon after I shower?” She hopped over to the bathroom before I could answer. 

“Sure.” I said softly, even though I knew she could not hear me over the sound of the shower head. 

Packing up the room, I was more than happy to leave this place. It smelled funny like an old hamburger had been stuck under the mattress. 

“Glacier today!” Lexa smiled brightly. She threw her bag in the trunk of her car. “I’m so excited. I’ve always wanted to come here. It looks so beautiful, Clarke.” The way she said my name made my heart melt. She over pronounced the k and let it linger like she wanted to let my name roll off her tongue for as long as possible. 

I laughed at how childlike Lexa was. “You say that about everything, Lex.” 

Smirking, Lexa looked at me. “Not everyone though. Only you.” 

For a moment, I got too lost in her dark green eyes. Redness crept through my cheeks. “I doubt it,” I bit. 

Lexa laughed in response. I’m not sure if that meant I was right or wrong, but apart of me wanted to know so badly. 

Across Montana, I slept most of the way. My body had not caught up with my mind, and I was out cold for most of the ride. When the sun was still shining through the front window, I felt Lexa’s hand on mine. It could have been a dream, but I can’t be sure. I am sure that I fell back asleep smiling. 

When I awoke, the sun was setting for the day. My head was banging, and I felt like I was hungover. Over my shoulder, Lexa was bopping her head to the sound of the music that was playing gently. 

“You’re awake?” She smiled again. Lexa had only been smiling every time I looked at her that day. 

“I’m sorry I slept so much. Are you tired?” My eyes were still half open, and my voice was raspier than it usually was. 

“Not at all. But I’m glad you’re awake. I can finally have some company.” Lexa’s words spilled out so rapidly that it took me a moment to process them. 

“I have this theory about this song. It’s Ugh by the 1975. You’ve heard it right?” I nodded slowly, chuckling at how desperate, yet excited she seemed. “It’s about cocaine!” 

“What?” I asked furrowing my eyebrows. 

Lexa nodded confidently. “Listen. Listen. He says I don’t have the capacity for fucking…it’s because cocaine makes it hard for men to get hard! And he says the kick won’t last for long because the high doesn’t last for long. I cannot believe I didn’t see this before. It’s so obvious.” 

My jaw was to the floor. Lexa listed off several examples throughout the song like she had been studying and analyzing the music. 

“Are you on cocaine right now?” I asked jokingly.

“Ha. I feel like I’ve taken some.” Lexa replied quickly. 

“How do you have so much energy? You woke up way before me!” I pointed out. 

Lexa squirmed in her seat. Brunette hair stuck to the seat when she leaned towards me. “I could stay up all night.” She said it almost in a whisper. 

“Well, my nap made me even more tired.” I slumped down in my seat. 

Lexa laughed so hard that it surprised me. “A nap making you more tired. Isn’t that hilarious!” 

For the rest of the drive, Lexa analyzed songs for me. Pointing out lyrics and telling me what they meant. I thought that it was interesting the way she did this because I rarely listened to the lyrics in songs. Music had always been for dancing. 

When we finally arrived near Glacier, we set up a tent that Lexa had stored in the back of her car. Growing up, I had always wished that I was more outdoorsy, but the truth was that I had never been. Call me spoiled, but I always slept in my car when my friends dragged me camping. Then when I got older, I just avoided camping all together. 

But when Lexa said that we should camp, I could not say no. Besides, the mountains were breathtaking. We don’t have those kinds of views in the Midwest, let alone Iowa. The rocky landscape engulfed the sky.

I tried to help Lexa set up the tent, but she did most of the work. Shivering, I almost fell asleep in the tent the moment that my head hit the sleeping bag. I felt Lexa lay another blanket over me. 

he said, “Clarke, are you really asleep already?” 

I grumbled. “Yes, it’s late.” 

“You slept all day. Come on an adventure with me!” Lexa cried poking my sides. 

I sat up in the tent. Lexa had her head peaked through the front zipper. “You want to go explore at night? Aren’t there like bears here?” 

“Exactly!” Lexa’s eyes lit up. “Let’s go find some. How cool would it be to see a bear!” 

“Are you crazy?” My jaw dropped. The last thing I wanted to do was see a bear.

“Maybe a little,” she said winking at me. “Come on. We won’t see any bears.” Lexa assured me tugging at my wrists to come outside of the tent. 

“Fine.” I grumbled throwing the blankets off me. “Only so you don’t get eaten by a bear.” 

Lexa blushed. “You would do that for me?” She flirted. 

Pushing aside of her, I laughed. Even though it was dark, the scenery was majestic. It was like I knew the presence of the mountains even though I could not see them. I was practically tiptoeing because I felt as if I was walking on sacred grounds. Lexa wore a bright head lamp on her head. 

“Clarke,” she whispered carefully to not wake the other campers and motioned for me to follow her into the bush.

I could hear my heart knocking against my chest saying ‘hello! Don’t go!’ But if something involves Lexa Woods, it takes a lot more than just my heart to tell me no.   
“The stars are gorgeous!” Lexa sang. Looking up, I saw the speckling light clearer than I have ever seen before. Lexa pointed a few constellations out to me with her fingers. 

“How do you know so much about constellations?” I asked in awe. 

“My mom. She loved astronomy.” Lexa replied with a shrug continuing forward. 

I followed her. “Are you close?” 

“We were…” I couldn’t see her face, but I could hear the sadness in her voice. 

“What happened?” my voice pried. 

Suddenly, Lexa whipped her body around towards me. “What happened between you and your parents?” Harshness filled her words. 

“What?” I stumbled backwards at her outburst. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lexa mumbled turning away again. 

“Fine. We don’t have to.” My voice was filled with defensiveness as I could feel my body tightening up and my mood shifting.   
“It’s not like we spend all day together. And you can’t even tell me one simple thing about your life.” I retorted rolling my eyes. 

Lexa stood frozen. “Like how you’ve never mentioned Finn?” 

My blood was boiling, yet my heart dropped. “How do you know Finn?” 

“You were talking about him the night we met at Grounders. And your daughter.” Lexa’s eyes were as dark as the night sky. 

“And you never thought to mention it?” I shouted. 

“You mean you never thought to mention it.” Lexa corrected crossing her arms. 

“You’re telling me that you-“ I was screaming now. Rage blew up inside of me like a balloon begging to be popped. 

“Clarke. Shut up!” Lexa said as her face turned white. She was staring beside me frozen. 

“...that you would sleep with someone that you knew..” I continued ignoring Lexa. How dare she tell me to shut up. 

Suddenly, I heard the branches rustle behind me. Looking at Lexa, her face was petrified with fear. Her eyes met mine. When our eyes met, I instantly felt relaxed. I felt okay with dying in that moment as long as I was with Lexa. It was like I knew that is where I was supposed to be. Nothing else mattered. This lasted for about half a second. Then I turned around. 

I thought in that moment that if it was a bear, I would kill Lexa before the bear killed both of us. 

Standing behind me was a giant moose.


	12. Six of Pentacles

_The Six of Pentacles represents giving or receiving help, generosity_

If you’ve never seen a moose before, they are nothing like I imagined. Imaging a moose, I thought it was like a deer with antlers, but now I understand that’s more like a reindeer. This moose was huge. He had a beard hanging down his mouth and antlers that looked like anything but the Christmas spirit. 

“Lexa, what do we do?” I asked shakily. 

“Pretend to be a tree. Or run around a tree and it’s supposed to forget it’s chasing you.” Lexa whispered back. 

I normally would have burst out laughing, but I was too terrified. If Lexa wanted to run around a tree and have this male moose chase her, she could do that, but I was pretending to be a tree. The one time the tree pose in yoga comes in handy. 

My eyes desperately met Lexa’s green eyes that matched the forest. Holding my breathe like I was underwater for minutes, as if the moose would head the slightest twitch from me. After a few moments, the moose continued walking to the right of us. 

Lexa and I pretended to be a tree for minutes after the moose was out of an earshot. Finally, Lexa let a small laugh escape her lips. 

As she moved towards me, I let out a sigh of relief. “Not exactly a bear.” She joked still whispering. 

My body tensed at the crunching twigs under my feet, afraid that the moose might come back running towards the noise. “I cannot believe that just happened.” I finally said when we got closer to the campground. 

“I’m never going on a night adventure again.” I groaned. 

“That’s understandable.” Lexa sighed. “I didn’t even think about seeing a moose. I’m glad nothing happened to you.” 

I turned around to face her. Green eyes were cast downward as she hugged her arms around herself. The anger that flooded me before had turned to sorrow and guilt. I picked at my nails thinking about what to say to her, but I could not seem to find the right words. 

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Lexa said to me as if she was reading my mind. “I shouldn’t have brought that up.” 

It felt like I had been punched in the gut. “No. I should have told you a long time ago…” 

“It’s really none of my business.” Lexa stated coldly. 

Silence surrounded us for a long while. I heard the rustling of tents and the cool summer breeze. “I am married.” I swallowed. “And I do have a daughter. Her name is Madi.” 

Lexa stopped in her tracks. “Madi?” she asked me, knowing what I was referring to.

I nodded slowly. After a while, I continued. “I looked at her and that’s what came out of my mouth.” 

She looked at me longingly for a moment as if she could feel my pain. Lips opened and closed again. 

“I-“ I began but stopped for a moment afraid of my own words coming out like they would come out with swords slicing me. “I was afraid that I would hurt her. That’s part of the reason that I left. Please don’t think that I’m crazy. I love Madi, and I wouldn’t hurt her on purpose. I just don’t know what’s going on and needed to get away.” There was pleading and sadness entangled in my voice. 

“Clarke, I don’t think that you’re crazy. That sounds scary.” Lexa replied with warmth. 

Telling her the truth made me feel as uneasy as I felt in front of the moose- like one wrong movement and I could die. We reached our tent, and both stumbled inside.

“I’m not ever judging you; you know that?” Lexa was so close that I could smell her lavender-like scent. 

“Thanks, Lexa. It means a lot.” I replied surprised by her reaction. To be completely honest and safe with someone was a feeling I had never understood before Lexa Woods. It’s easy to be loved when you are pretending to be someone else. True love is showing it all even your darkest secrets and have someone telling you that you are safe with them. It was in that moment when I began to feel more for Lexa than just an innocent crush. 

The intensity of the feelings scared me. They were like an asteroid crashing into the Earth- simultaneously unexpected, sublime, and powerful. 

“Are you still with Finn?” Lexa asked me as she laid beside me. 

“No,” I half lied. I was not really sure myself. “I don’t want to be with him.” That part was true. 

Lexa rolled over towards me. She leaned against her elbow and held her head up. “I really like you, Clarke.” She admitted softly, yet it was full of confidence. She bit down on her lip.

Abruptly, vibrating rang through the tent. Lexa’s phone lit up as it sat in between us. 

Anya. 

“Who is that? They keep calling you.” I asked her feeling my heart flutter.

“Oh,” Lexa answered declining the phone call. “Anya’s my sister.” 

“Why aren’t you answering?” Curiously got the best of me. 

“The same reason that you left your phone back in Iowa.” Lexa smirked. My face blushed at the fact that she noticed that. 

“Fair enough.” I muttered laying my head against the pillow. “What are you running from then Lexa Woods?” 

“More like what am I running towards.” She corrected, but before I could reply my eyes were shut and I was fast asleep. 

I half awoke in the middle of the night shivering. Lexa was gone. 

When I woke up early the next morning, Lexa laid next to me keeping her secrets to herself.


	13. Queen of Cups

_The Queen of Cups represents a nurturing person, healing, and support_

The next day was packed with inexplicable beauty. From the mountains. The sunset. The trees. The rocks. The wildlife. From Lexa Woods herself.  
I exercise regularly, but I mean I go to three classes at my gym a week. Going to the gym has turned into a social thing for me. Since I have become pregnant, I have not been active. Hiking up the mountain at Glacier National Park was no easy task. Holding my sides, I breathed heavily motioning for Lexa to continue forward without me.

“You doing okay?” She asked me. Sweat glittered across her face, but she seemed to have more energy than a toddler who accidentally drank caffeine for the first time. 

“You can keep going. I may not be the best person to do these kinds of activities with.” I told her calculating my breathes to utter words out. 

She slid her water bottle in my hand. “Nonsense. You’re doing great. And you’re making it to the top with me.” Perfect white teeth flashed at me. 

Groaning, I laid back on the rock I was sitting on. It poked through the spine in my back, but I did not move. Lexa was in a particularly good mood this morning. I knew there was no way she would let me stay on this rock, which to me seemed like a perfectly good place to make it the peak. 

“How do you have so much energy?” I huffed slightly annoyed. 

Lexa smirked as a reply. Her brunette hair dangled into a perfect braid that covered the small backpack she carried. The hiking boots she wore were dirty and faint. 

“Did you go somewhere last night?” I asked her feeling my heart beat faster than it already was. 

“Yeah. I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a run. I found this cool bar! We’ll have to go there later.” Lexa replied casually. 

“You haven’t been sleeping much.” I pointed out. I had to jog to catch up with her. 

Shoulders shrugged upward. “Yeah. That happens sometimes.” No concern from her. 

But I was concerned. I had been sleeping too much, but Lexa had been sleeping too little. We seemed to balance each other out like a yin and a yang. Something was going on with Lexa. I scan through possible medical reasons that Lexa would not be sleeping well. Insomnia? Depression? But Lexa was always in such a good mood. Was she stressed or anxious about something? 

“Is everything okay?” my voice asked her in a high-pitched tone. 

“Everything is perfect, Clarke! Look at this view right now!” Lexa exclaimed ecstatically. “I’m on top of the world!” Spinning in a circle with her arms thrown in the arm, she laughed her head off. I giggled at her. 

Throughout the rest of the hike, Lexa stopped to comment on pretty much every plant. I did not know very much about plants, and it was apparent that she didn’t either. 

“I’m going to learn everything there is to know about plants in Montana.” Lexa told me with wide eyes when she noticed me biting down my lip at another stop. “Then I’ll write a book so that everyone knows when they come visit! This is the coolest place I’ve ever been!” 

“Cooler than Spain?” I asked wiping sweat off my brow. 

“Oh yeah!” Lexa jumped as if she had forgotten. “I should be learning Spanish for the next time I go! OOOooooh or Dutch. I’ve always wanted to go to Sweden.” 

Lexa did not stop talking until we got to the top of the mountain. On the other hand, I could hardly get a word in. The one thing that I truly understood on the top with the breathtaking view was that Lexa made me feel the same way. Out of breath. 

Being with her made me forget about my past and just be in the present moment. There were no hard conversations that I had to have with Finn. Or moments when I thought about who _**she**_ was. Or my daughter Madi. Or what my parents were hiding from me. What I was hiding from myself. 

It was just Lexa and I against the world. Being with Lexa was like rolling your windows down on an interstate and sticking your head out the window. The wind takes over your face with full force blowing your hair straight back. Lexa was freedom. Lexa was forgetting it all, yet she reminded me of it all at the same time. Pine Lake. All the memories were there in the back of my head. But instead of nagging me and begging for me to understand them, they were still. I could exist with them when I was with her. 

When we got back to the tent, my eyes automatically closed when I laid down. I awoke to the crackling of fire and the smell of cooked meat. 

“Hey, sleepyhead. How was your nap?” Lexa asked me before my eyes were even open. 

The night sky was filled with vibrant stars. “Was I asleep for that long?” I asked confused. 

“Yes, the hike must have really worn you out. You hungry? I made some hot dogs. Fun fact- I’m usually vegetarian, but this was all I could find, and I’m starving.” Lexa explained. 

My stomach rumbled when she mentioned food. “Did the meat taste weird for you?” I rasped rolling out the tent. My blonde hair hung in a messy bun.

“I used to go camping with my family when I was younger. So no.” She took a bite out of the food in her hand. 

“Did you go often?” 

“Every summer. Until well-“ Lexa stopped and was silent for a moment.

“You used to do something similar with Pine Lake?” She continued like the hiatus never happened. Like she knew the similarities between us.

I nodded feeling my heart sink at the thought of the dream I had. My parents screaming. 

“Let’s grab a drink when we’re done.” Lexa suggested. Her lined green flannel complemented her eyes that shone through the light of the fire. She moved towards me and sat next to me on the blanket I occupied. My head leaned against her shoulder, and Lexa wrapped her arm around my body. Not daring to breathe, I engulfed her presence. It was the most natural thing I had ever experienced, yet there was a hint of nostalgia when I touched her. 

The past few days, Lexa had become touchier towards me- not that I was complaining. Apart of me felt guilty because I had not yet explained things to Finn.  
Lexa leaned in to kiss me. Her lips were full of rich, delicate passion. It was like they were screaming that they wanted me. They needed me. I could not help but send the same message. I did need Lexa- more than I understood at the time. Pulling Lexa closer to me by her collar, I became as breathless as I was hiking up the mountain. 

I could only look into her eyes for about four seconds before it became too much for me. By that, I mean that the intimacy and the intense feelings that I felt for this woman became real and scary. The feelings followed me around like a shadow that I could catch glimpses of. I knew they would not go away, even when this roadtrip was over. I understood that I was changing. Eventually, the sun would come up in full force and I would stand hand in hand with my own darkness.  
But for now, I only stood hand in hand with Lexa as we walked to a near by bar. The bar made me feel like I was in a small town in Alaska that had the population of less than one hundred people. I felt out of place. 

“Hey there, Lexa. You came back. Wasn’t sure if you would.” A man smiled excitedly. He looked like a stuck-up ranch farmer. Timberland boots held up his thick, broad-shouldered body. He wore a heavy tan jacket with jeans. Scruff unevenly grew on his face as if he had forgotten to shave in random places. 

“Sure did, Harley. Just so you can buy me that drink.” Lexa flirted leaning against the bar. My heart sunk at the playfulness that she used with him. It made me feel like they had an inside joke that I did not understand. 

“You strike me as a whiskey girl,” He said as if it was a fact, not a question. There is nothing that I hate more than a man who thinks they know a woman better than she knows herself. 

“Gin and tonic.” I told him, clicking my tongue. 

Lexa looked at me and smirked. “You noticed?” 

“Of course.” Desperation to be seen by Lexa ran through my body. Everything I felt could always be seen through my blue eyes. I had spent the last few days with her complete attention on me. It had always felt like more than enough, but in this moment, I craved it more than I had been craving vodka each night. Competition does that to you. 

“Gin and Tonic it is.” Harley laughed as if I was not a threat. Raising a hand to the bartender, he ordered a drink for Lexa and me. 

“I’m Harley.” He offered the glass to me along with a smile. “You’re friends with Lexa, here?” 

“Yes.” I said coldly taking the drink. “Clarke.” 

“So you two are traveling together?” His body was so close to Lexa that he was practically touching her. 

“Yes.” Lexa answered him. “Clarke and I just went hiking today. It was so beautiful. I’m jealous that you live so close to this!” 

He laughed harder than he should have at that. “It’s not as beautiful as some hikers that come here.” 

I bit down on my tongue. Lexa playfully slapped his shoulder. “You can come visit anytime you want.” He continued with a suggestive tone. 

“I may have to come back,” she said slowly with an itching smile. 

My heart dropped. Was Lexa flirting with him? “I think there’s better views out there.” I cut in. I was chugging my drink now. Gin was more bitter than vodka, so it took all my attention to not make a face of disgust. At the gin. At Harley. 

Harley frowned in my direction. “Wanna play another round of darts?” His demeaner quickly changed when he looked at Lexa. 

“Yes! I love games.” She sang. I watched him touch her too much with each throw. I tried to remind myself that Lexa was not mine, but that did not stop the feeling of pain in my chest. 

“I won!” Lexa stumbled towards me hugging me tightly. 

“I’m not surprised,” I muttered. I melted at her warm body wrapping around my own. 

“You know,” Harvey began slithering behind us. “If it gets too cold for you ladies to camp, you can always stay at my place.” 

Being around this guy made me feel sick. After another two rounds of drinks, we walked back along the path to our tent. 

“Hopefully, we don’t see a moose again!” Lexa slurred. We laughed. The moose would forever be a memory between us now. 

“I wouldn’t let it eat you.” Lexa explained cockily. “I could take a moose.” She put her fists up and started boxing the air. 

We were stopped in the middle of the trail. Bush and darkness surrounded us, like we were apart of the park. For the first time, I was able to look into Lexa’s eyes for longer than four seconds. I cannot be sure how long we stood there because it felt like time did not exist at all. 

All the feelings I had been pushing aside hit me so hard I wanted to fall to my knees. Instead, I stepped towards Lexa and kissed her lips. It was like the first night at Grounders- so eager. Except this time felt more confident, as if we knew that this was the right thing to do. I had always known, but now I understood. There is a difference between the two. 

I pulled back at the thought of earlier that night. “What’s wrong?” Lexa asked gently nudging my chin towards her eyes. 

“Are you going to stay with Harley?” I squeaked out. Insecurity felt like ice in my veins. 

She shook her head easily. 

“Clarke, I’m falling in love with you.” Lexa whispered to me sweetly underneath the glittering stars.


	14. The Chariot

_The Chariot represents action and change, a journey, a new vehicle, and vroom vroom_

When I awoke the following morning, the sun shone through the sides of the tent. Chirps filled my ears, and Lexa was no where to be seen. The fire released a small ring of smoke from the previous night. My mind raced back to what unfolded. Lexa had said she was falling in love with me. 

“I am too.” My voice had said slowly. In hindsight, I know that sounds crazy. Two women who have known each other for days falling in love with each other, but it did not feel crazy. In fact, it felt like the sanest thing that I had done in a long time. Saying I love you to someone you truly love is not crazy but brave. 

There was a lot of kissing that night. Lexa slid her hand under my shirt to take it off, but I grabbed it. “We can’t.” I said with sadness and desperation. 

She froze. 

“I’m still with Finn technically.” I had explained. “We can’t take this any further until I end things with him.” 

She pulled back. “I thought you said you weren’t with him?” 

“It’s complicated.” I bit my lip down. Being desired by Lexa made me feel youthful and free. Morals are embedded deep within people. 

Lexa nodded. “I understand.” She had said and wrapped her arms around me until I fell asleep. 

Did she mean what she said last night or was that the alcohol talking? Alcohol, Lexa, and I had become quite the duo throughout this adventure, and neither alcohol nor Lexa had said anything like that before. 

Drifting in my thoughts, I began packing up the tent. Mostly, I folded the tent into a ball and tried to shove it in a bag that was too small. It was like trying to put a cherry through a keyhole. After a while, Lexa came over the hill. Her shoulders hung low and she walked as if she could not control her body. 

“Where have you been?” I asked her when she got within an earshot. 

Her expression was sour. “Losing money.” Lexa grumbled slouching down on a fold-u p chair next to the firewood. 

“What?” my voice asked confused. 

“I’ve been playing poker at the bar.” Lexa explained closing her eyes like it was finally twilight. 

“So that’s where you’ve been running off to.” It all had made sense now. Lexa sneaking out of the tent in the middle of the night. 

She nodded. Opening her eyes, it was like she had transformed into a new person. A sudden burst of energy hit her like a lightning bolt. Lexa smiled at me wickedly.   
“Did you think I was doing something else?” She asked. The way she said it made me feel like she was playing a game. 

I had never been a fan of playing any sort of games. Board games took too much of my mental energy. Sports took too much of my physical energy. Narrowing my eyes, I looked at her dark green eyes. 

It happened in a flash. I saw _**her**_ again. A memory hit me the same moment that the wind ran through my body making me shiver. 

“What else would I be doing with it?” _ **She**_ had said biting down _**her**_ laugh. The expression _**she**_ wore was identical to the one plastered on Lexa’s face. Smug and playful. _**She**_ clenched a bag of white pills tightly around _**her**_ fists. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Madi.” I cried outrage. My hand snatched the bag from _**her**_ quickly. _**Her**_ expression changed immediately to a mixture of fright and regret. 

“Clarke, give that back. Do you know how much that costs?” Desperation hit my ears. 

“Weeds one thing. But molly? What are you thinking?” I sounded like a parents who was trying to stay calm and collected, but disappointment and frustration squeezed through the sides spilling out inside my words. 

Madi rolled her eyes and suddenly became enraged. _**Her**_ mouth began to move quickly, but I could not make out what _**she**_ was saying. That is all I could remember before coming back to reality. Madi and I must have been teenager at the time, but I could not seem to piece together when. Was _**she**_ a friend? Did I have feelings for _**her**_? Sister? Cousin? 

I felt as strongly towards _**her**_ like one would feel towards family. But family can mean many things to people. 

Taking a deep breathe, I looked at Lexa’s face. Sharp cheekbones jutted out of her face as she smiled her blinding white teeth. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut, but my expression remained cool. Turning away from the woman, I sighed out my confusion. 

“Thanks for trying to pack up.” Lexa laughed pointing to the tent that was half crumbled into a bag. Her arms crossed over my head from behind. “You know, I meant everything I said last night.” The lightness and sincerity sent chills down my spine. Squeezing her hand tightly was my way of telling her that I meant it all too.   
Lexa and I packed her car up and left Glacier National Park. 

“Lexa, what would you do if I didn’t have a passport?” I asked her with the sudden realization that we were almost in Canada. 

“Sneak you across, of course!” Lexa answered quickly. 

I laughed at the absurdity of the statement. “How?” 

“I bet it would be easier than you think, Clarke.” The way she said my name made my heart flutter. “We could rent a boat and cruise right on over.” Confidence filled the car when Lexa spoke. 

“I bet if we went over the boundary fast enough, we wouldn’t even have to stop.” Her eyes lit up as if she had just discovered the solution to a lifelong problem. 

“Let’s not try that one..” I made a face. But the way Lexa looked at me in that moment, it reminded me of _**her.**_ Determination filled her eyes making them a darker green. Her foot pressed the gas pedal even harder. The car began making a vroom noise making it sound like something underneath would fall off. 

Lexa was laughing hysterically now. Anxiety flooded through me as I looked at the speedometer which was now at 90 in a 55 mph zone.   
“Stop!” I said quickly. My eyes grew wide at the scene in front of us. 

Lexa’s red car was the only car on the road. We had passed three vehicles in the past hour because this was not a popular route. Trees and hilly farms raced past the window. The car was speeding even faster now, so I could barely see the giant pothole in front of us. When the tire ran through the hole, it popped making a loud noise resembling a gunshot. Lexa’s body filled with adrenaline as she swerved the car to the side of the road. But we were already high in the air, making me feel like I was in an anti-gravity simulator. 

The car only remained in the air for a few seconds before we came tumbling down. But in the midst of this, I remembered something important. 

I finally understood who _**she**_ was. 

Madi was my younger sister, and _**she**_ died in a car accident.


	15. Page of Swords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of Suicide  
> This chapter broke my heart to write

_The Page of Swords represents a curious kid, gossip spies, prying eyes, and truth_

The moment that I realized the truth about Madi, everything else was a blur. Lexa dived straight it’s a pothole causing her red car to go airborne. It is like my mind went completely blank, remembering Madi, my sister. How could someone forget their own sister? Intense emotions of love and grief gripped through my body, as if they were becoming apart of me. My present intertwined with the past in a heartbreaking, aching pull to tie them together into a tight knot. 

Green eyes flashed through me like a headlight in the dark. **_Madi._**

There she was- seven-year-old Madi in her dark purple dress. Madi always insisted on wearing dark clothing growing up. She absolutely hated pink and refused to be seen wearing it in public. I know she secretly adored pink because I caught glimpse of her staring when other people wore it. Her eyes were glued to their bows, hairclips of pink flowers, pastel colored bracelets, and spotted pink throughout their clothing. Once, I even caught her smiling to herself wearing a light pink outfit. Madi groaned when I begged her to play Pretty Pretty Princess with me, but then she always went over the top with the game. She had always been publicly dismissive of things but secretly accepting. 

“Clumsy Clarke.” She poked fun of me while helping me up. Together, we ran through the endless meadow while our cousin chased us, along with other younger members of the family. Looking back, I saw my parents surrounded by other adults in a cult-like circle. Plates and drinks filled their hands as the sun shone down on their smiling faces. 

There were countless memories of us playing outside together. Kicking a soccer ball together. Running through the woods in our backyard with the neighbor boys. Getting piles of mud thrown at me for angering Madi. Catching frogs and giving them generic names, like George or Frogger. Endless laughter wavering through the air. Drawing each other’s body outline in chalk on the sidewalk. Madi used to point out how it looked like the body tape that she saw on mom’s crime shows. 

We played on the same soccer team for a few years before our age became the biggest barrier between us. The way that the outcome of the games determined her mood always baffled me. After we lost a game, no matter how close, she would mope around the house for the rest of the day. I would have to offer her popcorn with M&Ms to get her out of the funk.

At night, she would crawl into my bed whispering about how mom and dad would die before we would. That we were all that we really had. I would wrap my arms around her small body until she fell asleep. My eyes could not close until I felt her breathing was as slow and steady as her mind. 

Then there was our first day of school. Madi was starting third grade, while I was beginning fifth. Our recess fell at the same time. It was after lunch for the fifth-grade class. Madi had come running behind me and jumped into an embrace. A smile smeared across her face at the sight of me, and she began tugging me towards her new friends. Standing next to me was Alie, the meanest girl in my grade, and my best friend at the time. Although, that friendship did not last long. Alie sneered something about third graders being “babies” and how I was lame for talking to one. Before I could open my mouth, Madi sprawled her body on top of Alie. That is how we both ended up in the principal’s office that day with disapproving looks plastered on our parent’s face.

Madi grew up to be sociable and well-liked by everyone in Arcadia. Her breasts sprouted a few years before everyone else in her grade. That was the quick and sure way to be popular but also envied. Given how small of a town Arcadia was, rumors spread around fast. The gap between Madi and my parents seemed to get bigger, while it thinned between us. When fighting got bad between my parents and Madi, she would sometimes lock herself in my room as opposed to her own. I always thought of our rooms as inseparable because we spent so much time together in both of them.

Madi was blonde at the beginning, but her hair turned to a dark brown, so unlike my parents and me. She was adventurous and curious. She dared to sneak out and experiment with drugs, music, and men. On the other hand, I chose to stick my nose in books instead of snorting drugs. People would act like they knew me well if they knew Madi because in all honesty, Madi has always been the most interesting part about me. I have always had my whole life planned out how my parents expected it to be. Valedictorian. Class president. Captain of the soccer team. Madi and I contradicted each other, yet we made such a suitable combination like pretzels and chocolate. An unlikely combination that plays with tongue’s taste buds. 

It was me that snuck out in the middle of the night to pick her up when she got so drunk that she could not drive, and she did not want to upset our parents. I screamed at her when I found out she was doing drugs, begging her to stop. Madi would cry and whisper that she would not do it again. It was not like she was addicted to drugs; she only poked at them on occasion. But it was the way that she used them that frightened me- to fill a hole. Personally, I used sports and friends to fill that gap that all of us feel.

It was Madi that snuck me alcohol on the weekends. She was the shoulder that I cried on after breaking up with boys. Madi taught me how to kiss and to braid hair. In all honesty, I think we both used each other to fill the hole. At times, we seemed so unreachable to each other as if we were from different planets. That is when she started doing drugs and drinking and going out with stupid boys. I always had a theory that the gap in her heart was much deeper than mine. 

It is crazy how someone who appeared to be so happy could actually be in so much pain.

And of course, there was the grand event at Pine Lake. My mother sobbing, and my father diving into the lagoon underneath the dark moonlight. Madi tried to drown herself. After that, my parents looked at her like she was a fragile piece of glass, threatening to shatter at even the slightest touch. 

“I don’t know, Clarke. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s not that I wanted to do it. It’s just that it felt like the only choice. I promise it won’t happen again.” Madi told me a few days later ago entangled in my arms. 

“You can’t leave me.” I had whispered, but she had already fallen asleep. 

Madi always did make promises that she could not keep. 

Then again, don’t we all do that?


	16. Five of Cups

_The five of cups represents loss, regret, grief, feeling abandoned or unloved_

White lights and a searing noise in the background. That is the next thing I can remember. Thin cheekbones appear in front of me along with the forest green eyes I could recognize anywhere. Lips were moving slowly, but no sound was coming out. 

“Clarke?” I finally heard after it felt like minutes of fluttering images. My eyelids fluttered open to see Lexa sitting in the driver’s seat next to me. Unlike I had imagined, the car was still in tact, and so were we. 

“Are you okay?” her voice said quickly when she noticed that I had gained consciousness. Panic consumed her face. 

“Did you hit your head? I’m so sorry.” The words that came from Lexa began to jumble together. In that moment, it was like I was not in my body. Staring at my hands, I began to grasp them tightly, urgent to gain control of myself again. 

‘Madi was my sister’ I repeated to myself over and over again, afraid I would forget. The words may have even dared to slip out of my mouth, but I couldn’t be sure. 

“Clarke, look at me. Can you hear me?” Lexa cried. Soft hand gripped my shoulders and rocked me gently. When I was able to gaze over at the woman, I did. When our eyes met, she furrowed her eyebrows in understanding, reading me like a secret code. 

Her grip tightened around my hand like a plead. When I looked at Lexa, I thought for a moment that I saw her praying. 

I began sobbing. My tears came storming down harder and faster than rapids that cause canoes to capsize. Pain welted up in my chest. Lexa’s heart pounded loudly against her chest. 

She cooed me and whispered calming words in my ear as my body shook the car. When I finally was able to calm down, I squeezed Lexa’s hand so tightly. It was like I was holding onto her hand hanging off of a ledge. If she let go, even for a second, I would never be able to get up again. 

“What happened?” I managed once my breathing slowed. It always helped me to think about my breathing as waves. The image was peaceful and relaxing. Calm waves crashing into the sea rocking gently back and forth. 

“I hit a pothole and popped my tire. How are you doing?” I had not yet seen Lexa so anxious. Guilt flushed though her body. 

“I’m fine” I answered flatly. Her face fell even lower, which I did not think was possible. 

“What happened? Did you hit your head? Did you have a panic attack?” She tried again. Green eyes pleaded with mine. I turned my head to face the window. Fields surrounded us on the deserted road. 

“Lexa, I need a minute.” I wanted to wrap myself in a ball and hide in a corner. 

She pulsed my hand three times. I. love. You. 

‘I love you, too.’ I thought, but words were unable to formulate. 

The car bumped along the pavement for the rest of the ride. Lexa decided to continue driving until we could find the nearest auto shop, which was about twenty minutes away. In Canada, I somehow felt like I was so far away from my old life. 

Lexa did not dare let go of my hand. Even when it was clear that she needed two hands, she managed with one. 

“I remember.” I whispered suddenly staring through the front window. I could not even see what was in front of me because my thoughts were so dominant. 

Silence lurked for a moment as Lexa studied my face. “What do you remember?” She asked gently.

“Madi. She was my sister.” My lips hardly moved as I said the sentence. “She died in a car accident.” 

“Oh god,” Lexa cried. “I’m so sorry, Clarke.” 

When we arrived at the automobile shop, Lexa hopped out of the car. My legs were unable to move so I sat like a statue in the passenger seat. The shop reminded me of a small town car shop that began in the 1950’s. The blue paint on the wooded barn was beginning to chip. To my surprise, nice vehicles formed a row alongside the barn. The sign was large and cartoon like that towered overhead. It read: Sky’s Auto. I thought it was ironic how the sign touched the blue sky. 

A light-skinned woman followed Lexa to her car. Lexa pointed at the front left tire as the woman approached it to examine the damage. The woman wore a tight button up black shirt with dark jeans. Grease smeared across her forearms. 

“We can fix this no problemo. Unfortunately, we don’t have this type of tire laying around. I’ll have to call a guy to bring me one, but I can definitely get that here today. Should take a couple of hours.” The woman explained tucking a strand of fallen hair behind her ears. 

“A few hours?” Lexa said disappointed. “That should be good. The sooner the better.” Through the glass, she gazed at me, but quickly looked away. It was interesting to see Lexa losing her confidence. 

I decided to get out of the car and stretch my legs. 

“Where are you headed in such a rush?” The woman made small talk.

Quickly, Lexa replied. “No rush. Up north to see the northern lights.” 

“Raven Reyes.” The woman held her hand out to shake mine. Her handshake was firm, so unlike mine, which felt as weak as my body did. She turned to talk to Lexa.   
“You’ll want to go to Polaris. It’s the best place to view the Northern Lights, especially this time of year. It’s not well known, so there’s not a ton of visitors, too. I can give you directions if you’d like.”

The two women walked into the barn together chattering. Leaning against the car, I sighed. When Lexa returned, she tried to give me a half smile that turned out to be more of a small grimace. I do not think I was capable of smiling at the time. 

“Well, the car will be fixed in a couple of hours. There’s a town a few blocks away. We could grab a bite to eat while we’re here anyway.” She shrugged at me looking hopeful. I nodded and followed Lexa towards the small town. 

“I’m so sorry about earlier, Clarke.” Lexa finally gushed out like she had been waiting to say that. “That was so stupid and you could have seriously gotten hurt. I really don’t know what was going though my head. I’m so sorry. I-“ She was rambling now, talking a mile per minute. 

“Lexa.” I interrupted. “It was an accident. It’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay.” Lexa’s eyes casted downward and she stopped walking. The air around us was crisp and cool. 

“Yes. It is.” My voice was firm. In all honesty, without the tire popping, I am not sure what would have set off my memory of Madi, my younger sister. I needed to talk to my parents. For a brief moment, I almost felt like I was talking to her and comforting her. Showing her that I was okay. That we could make it through this all together. 

Lexa’s eyes were sad. “I would kill myself if I hurt you.” Lexa said so seriously. 

“Don’t say things like that!” I snapped at her. Fear, anger, and sadness tied together in a tightly wound braid. 

She closed her eyes and remained silent. I questioned whether she meant that, but apart of me had always known the truth. 

Suddenly, Lexa began to cry. This made me stumble towards her, so shocked by her expression of emotion. “Why are you crying?” I asked confused wrapping my arm around her. 

“I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” Lexa sniffed between her tears. 

I pulled her body in close. “Look at me. I’m not hurt.” I smiled at her trying to make her reciprocate. 

“I should be the one comforting you right now. I’m so stupid.” She wiped her fingers down her face in distress. The way she said that was more like she was saying it to herself and not to me. 

This was the first time that I had seen Lexa Woods in a different state of mine than before. She seemed so sad and hopeless. I decided that it had been an emotional past few days for both of us. Besides, I knew Lexa was not sleeping well, so maybe she was just grumpy. 

We decided to splurge and stay in a nicer hotel that night. The workers wore suits and addressed Lexa and I as ma’am. I bought Lexa and I a steak dinner that night to split. We were celebrating being in Canada. To my surprise, Lexa fell asleep so early that it was still light outside. 

Stepping into the hallway, I used Lexa’s phone and dialed a number. On the second ring, there was an answer. 

“Hi, mom.” I said taking a deep breathe.


	17. The Hermit

_The Hermit represents going within for clarity, a quest for personal truth, and spiritual illumination_

“Hi, mom.” I said. Confidence ran through me like liquid running through my veins. 

“Clarke. Oh god, I’m so happy to hear from you.” My mother said frantically. I could picture her running towards my father, who would be curled up in his brown armchair with a glass of whiskey reading a book about investing. Abby would have to slap him to get his attention, his blue eyes hidden behind spectacles. All she would have to do is make the face- where her eyebrows quirk and she tilts her head forward. And he would know that she was on the phone with me. 

“I’m fine.” My voice was cool. The walls around me were filled with red and golden patterns that vibrantly popped out at me. It was like I had suddenly put on 3-D glasses from a magazine. 

“I remember Madi.” I continued before she could lecture me or ask too many questions about what I was doing. Thinking back on the past few days, I was not even sure if I could tell her. The days were filled with so much excitement and adventur.e. Part of me wanted to gush out all of the events, spilling ever last detail with about Lexa. Falling in love with Lexa Woods. The dimples when she smiled. Her forest green eyes. Her slender body. That positivity me attitude in every situation. And all of the adventures we went on together. We had seen glacier. And a moose. And Mount Rushmore. I was in Canada for the first time of my life! 

But then the reality of my life crashed down upon me. Finn. My daughter. 

“What do you remember?” Abby asked after a long moment of silence through the phone. Even though we were in different countries, I could see her face, which always had been a glass window to her feelings. 

“How could I forget my own sister?” My voice cracked, and I began to cry. A wave of emotions overtook me. Knees locked and I slid my back against the wall. Hanging there, I felt like I was holding on by a thread that was threatening to snap.

“The psychologist always said that the event was so traumatic for you, and it was your way of coping with everything. Honestly, your father and I thought you had brain damage, but you seemed to remember everything else.” My mother said in a soft tone. It was much calmer than I anticipated.

“She died….how?” I managed to spit out. 

A muffled cry rang through my ears. “Clarke,” she cried. “Madi drove off of a bridge.” 

Flashes of pain. My heart banged loudly against my chest as my knees buckled to the floor. Black spots filled my vision. 

“Please. You need to come home, Clarke. We can’t lose you too.” She cried, but the phone slipped out of my grip. Sitting in the hallway of the hotel, I wrapped myself into a ball and sobbed into my arms. 

My mother’s voice called through the speaker on the phone. After a few moments, I took a deep breathe and held it against my ear. 

“I loved her so much, mom.” I whispered. 

“I know. The two of you were inseparable. We loved her so much too, baby.” She told me. 

“Do you think I’ll forget again?” Fear paralyzed my body. 

Abby paused and replied honestly, “I don’t know.” 

“How long ago did I forget?” 

“In college. You came home the Christmas after it happened. You looked at your father like you had no idea what he was talking about. You asked, ‘who’s Madi?’ After we figured out that you were serious, we took you to the hospital…They found no physical injuries. You had been seeing a therapist at your school, and we called her, but she said you had stopped going one day. We sent you to another one to get evaluated, but you had absolutely no memories of Madi. Dr. Lumen suggested that we go with it. Because she said you had forgotten Madi for a reason. Too painful or too traumatic. She said you must have been suffering with everything so much. So we just never brought Madi up again, and neither did you until you had your baby.” She paused for a moment as I tried to steady my breathes. “We honestly thought that this was what’s best for you. You were functioning so much better than before. Your father and I were scared you were going to drop out of school, and it was hard to keep an eye on you with the distance….And you know why we were so concerned after what Madi did.” 

“So this went on for years?” I was baffled. “Were you ever going to tell me?” 

Abby answered, “We tried to a few times, but you would not react well. We all went to the doctor’s multiple times to tell you about Madi and explain to you what happened. Your reactions were so extreme- either denial, or anger, or crying. But then you would forget that happened. Honestly Clarke, it was like your mind could not accept the death of Madi. A strange psychological phenomenon. The whole process was so heartbreaking.” 

“I’m so sorry that I left. I- just looking at my baby. Oh, god, Madi. It was like my body remembered every thing but my mind didn’t. I had no idea what was going on. I had to leave.” I hiccuped to my mother. Images of Madi scanned through my mind. It was like how people describe your life playing like a move before you die, except it was not images of me, but my sister. 

“We’ve been so worried, Clarke.” 

Suddenly, a new voice sent shivers down my spine. “Clarke, it’s me.”

“Finn.”

“Your parents told me what’s going on.” Empathy bloomed through his voice. 

I scoffed and mumbled. “Well, you probably knew before me.”

“Please come home. Madi needs you. I need you.” Finn cried sadly. 

My heart stopped beating. “Finn, listen. I appreciate you taking care of Madi. You are such a good father, and you’re a great husband too, but-“ 

“but?” His voice cut through mine sharply. 

“But” I continued. A lump formed in my throat pushing the words down. “I can’t be with you. I love you, but there’s someone else.”

Silence loomed over us like darkness that hides in the corners of your bedroom. Sobs escaped my lips again. I knew that this was the right thing to do, but it did not make it any less painful. Apart of me felt like I owed Finn a debt. But I have never been the type of person who liked being in debt. 

“I’m so sorry,” I cried, although I was unsure if he was still on the line. 

When I looked at my phone, he had hung up the line. In seconds, my mom’s contact appeared on my phone. “Finn?” I asked picking up the phone. 

“He left.” My mother answered knowing what I had said. 

“What happened at Pine Lake?” I burst out remembering the terror. I could not think about Finn anymore.

My mother’s voice was choppy. “Madi had a lot of problems, baby. That is why we have been so worried about you. She tried to drown herself, but your father saved her in time. But we couldn’t always be there for her when she got that depressed.” 

My mother told me this story as if she was looking at the past of someone else. It occurred to me then how hard it must have been for my parents to lose a child and then have another one who does not remember it. How did my mother cope with the loss of Madi? She was comfortable talking about this with others, and I wondered how many people understood this sad truth when I had not. 

I felt sick. “What do you mean?” 

But I felt it in my heart before she said the words.

“Clarke, Madi suffered from severe depression. She drove off the bridge on purpose.”


	18. Four of Swords

_Four of Swords represents retreat, renewal, rest, solitude, and recovery_

Lexa could not look at me. “I just can’t get out of bed.” She would say. Her arm hung over the sides of the bed while the rest of her was tangled inside of a blanket. The truth was that bed was the last place that I wanted to be. Understanding the death of Madi made me want to do absolutely anything but nothing. Thinking too much has always been my biggest flaw, and silence was overthinking’s best friend. 

“You have to eat, Lex. Aren’t you hungry?” I whined. Lexa had not moved from bed in almost twenty-four hours. I had not even seen her use the bathroom, but I was exploring the town on my own. That morning, I bought myself coffee and walked around the town. The district was built around a lake that was famous when it froze over in the winter. It became a popular destination for ice skating and hockey games. In the warmer months, it seemed that the town was not as populated.  
Lexa’s eyes remained closed. She tucked her head underneath the blanket, as if she was hiding in her own personal fort. “No.” 

That is when I began to worry. There was never a time when Lexa was not eating or thinking about food. She had created mini songs about food when we went without it for so long. “Kay so, let’s get that queso.” I smiled at her chanting the line days before when we were hiking. 

Sitting down, I sat on the side of Lexa’s bed. I pulled the covers off Lexa’s head slowly. Lexa groaned at the sunlight that beamed through the blinds. “Look at me.” She followed my command by opening her eyes. Pools of sadness filled her pupils. 

“What’s going on with you?” I poked gently. “You wanna know how I know that something is wrong with you? You said no to eating.” 

Her white teeth flashed for a split second. I missed seeing her smile. 

Lexa moved the hairs out of her face and sat up. Her back leaned against the headboard of the hotel bed. Thumbs twiddled as she stared down at them. “I can’t believe that we are here.” She sighed. 

A chuckled escaped my lips. “It is crazy, isn’t it?” Green eyes met mine. They were lighter than I had ever seen them before. Perhaps, it was the light shining upon them, making them sparkle like crystals. Raw, authentic, and natural. 

She looked down at her thumbs again. “Maybe we should go back.” Her face was tightened. I almost smiled, but then I realized she was serious. 

“What? We are so close to seeing the Northern Lights. Why are you saying that?” I panicked. Insecurity grew inside of me. 

“This is insane. You don’t actually love me. We’ve known each other for like a week or two. I gave it all up. And ohmygod. I feel so sad.” Lexa started crying while she was rambling. Hiding her tears, she tucked her face on her knees. 

My heart sank. “I know this is insane. But I really do love you, Lexa.” I told her with furrowed eyebrows. I tried to remain soft and calm, but sadness and anger woke up. 

Lexa looked up with tears running down her cheeks. “How?” she whispered. Her voice sounded so broken and afraid. 

I wiped the tears off her cheek. “It’s pretty easy. Why are you saying all of this?”

“I could have hurt you, Clarke. I’m not a person you want to love.” Lexa sniffled. 

I was taken aback. “Are you still talking about the car accident?” 

She nodded putting her head down again. “Lexa, baby, that was an accident. I’m fine. Stop beating yourself up about that.” My hand found her back, and I began rubbing it. 

“I literally ruined your life.” Lexa choked out. 

“That’s just not true. I’ve made my own decisions.” Lexa’s pity party made me roll my eyes. 

She was still crying. “You have a daughter and a husband!” She pointed out. 

“I told Finn that it’s over,” I offered a slight smile. 

Green eyes shot up at me. “Because of me?” 

“No and yes. I want to be with you, yes. But I’m leaving Finn because I don’t want to be with him. And I would have figured that out eventually. You have just been a catalyst in that process.” I explained grasping her hand. 

“You want to be with me?” She asked in a shocked tone. The way that she said it made me think that she had forgotten the past few days. 

“So badly.” I assured her. “I want to know everything about you. And do so much with you. Being around you makes me happy. And I love your carefree attitude, Lex.” 

Lexa must have laughed at the irony of me saying that during her crying episode. “Then you should know why I want to see the Northern Lights.” She said slowly. 

In midst of all my own problems stirring up, I had almost forgotten that there really was a reason why Lexa wanted to go on this roadtrip. My head perked up at her. 

“It’s my mom. We went to see them once when I was a young teenager, after my parents split up. She had seen them when she was a little girl and raved about how mystical they were. It was her favorite thing in the world. I never saw her get more excited than when she talked about the Northern Lights.” Lexa laughed slightly at the memory. “So we started a tradition to see them every year. No matter what we had going on, we always went on the trip in the summer. But…” Lexa paused and bit her lip. 

I squeezed Lexa’s hand tightly. 

“She died of heart failure. A few months ago. And I just wanted to come to honor our tradition. To be with her again in a sense.” She continued.

Lexa’s pain morphed with my own. I wished I could take all her pain and carry it for her, if only we had the ability to do that for other people. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a person is just listen.

We sat there for a while in comfortable silence. “Does it feel like you’re with her?” I whispered after a while. 

She nodded. “When I’m with you, yes.” 

In that moment, it hit me that being with Lexa made me feel like I was with Madi. The conversation that I had been having felt familiar, as if I had dozens of moments of trying to cheer someone up. Something about Lexa seemed comfortably familiar- maybe the facial expressions she made, or the reckless and carefree attitude that carried her around. Maybe it was the quick changes of mood. Or how I felt like I needed to care for her. At the time, I was not sure. 

“Thanks for telling me all of that, Lexa.” I said gently. 

But there was definitely something about Lexa Woods. 

“I have some things I need to tell you about Madi. That is, if you don’t want to go home. I was really looking forward to seeing the Northern Lights with you.” I told her suggestively. My eyebrows were raised. I imagine the look that I gave her was identical to my mother’s famous ‘look’. 

Lexa bit her lip to hold back a smile. “I mean a few more days with you wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

…or would it?


	19. Knight of Pentacles

_The Knight of Pentacles represents a reliable person, patience, and hardwork_

You have not seen natural beauty until you have seen Banff National Park. The glacial lake, Lake Louise is famous for its stunning emerald water that reflects the surrounding glaciers that formed it. The view in front of me knocked the wind out of. Lexa and I sat on the ledge of a rocky cliff. Our knees touched slightly. I stared at Lexa, while she was encapsulated with the surrounding mountains and lake. 

Lexa had been in a better mood today. Because of the past few days, I thought it would be difficult to get Lexa out of bed. One mention of Banff, and she went shooting through the roof. “Banff! No way, Clarke. I’ve only seen pictures. I didn’t even think about that. You’re a genius.” 

A goofy grin plastered across my face. Making Lexa this excited was something that I could get used to. It made me feel like fireworks went off within my chest. The truth was that I had never even heard of Banff. I did not know much about Canada. Considering that it is only a few hours away from me, you would think that I would know more. My dad used to go on fishing trips every year to the Boundary Waters located on the boundaries of Canada and the US. Jaha and Marcus were two of his best friends for work and the three of them ran a team together. They all made great business partners, and apparently great fishing friends, but outside of that, they rarely interacted with my father. Jaha would come over occasionally to watch a baseball game. He was a tall, dark man with broad shoulders and a soft face. I always found it funny how he had such a tough and strong exterior, yet the moment you talked to him, you could feel the delicacy in his voice. The same contradiction was apparent in his son, Wells. 

Yesterday afternoon I had walked to Sky’s auto. The walk was quick, but I suppose I had felt that way because I had been walking so much more lately. Two younger men huddled around a piece of paper talking excitedly. Their voices reached a high octave level when the other disagreed. Raven appeared from the barn with a tattered shirt that had a large grease stain running over it. 

“Hi,” I said politely when she locked eyes with me. “I’m here to pick up my car.” 

She smiled at me like she was an old friend. “With Lexa, right?” 

I nodded as she gestured for me to follow her back into the barn. Music played lightly over the sound of tools being used against metal. “You’re off to see the Northern Lights?” Raven asked me as I followed her careful not to misstep. 

“Yes, we’ve both always wanted to see it,” I replied. 

She smirked. “You know, that’s interesting. We get a lot of people coming to see Banff National Park while they’re over here. Most people set out to a specific destination, not to see something that can be seen in multiple locations.” 

“It was pretty spontaneous, honestly. What’s Banff anyway?” I tuck my hands in my jean pockets. 

Raven smiled widely. “Me telling you won’t do it justice. Let me show you pictures.” Wiping her hands off with a towel that she had tucked in her back pocket, she pulled her phone out. 

The album was titled: Banff Bash. I swiped through the photos while Raven smiled over my shoulder as she looked through the again. Her eyes lit up at the memories.   
“I actually came here because of Banff. I went last summer with my roommate from college. When we got back, I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me. So I found the first job I could that was close to Banff. I loved it so much. And this is where I ended up. With these dweebs, Monty and Jasper.” Her head nodded to the two men outside of the barn. 

I looked at the woman in front of me. “Wow, that’s crazy. Do you go to Banff a lot then?” 

“Yes! Pretty much every weekend.” Raven exclaimed. 

I continued looking at her photographs of gigantic mountains, bubbling streams, fizzling hot springs, and crystal lakes. There were photos of Raven and friends swimming in hot springs, and I loved her grey bathing suiting. She was hiking with friends and making silly faces at the camera. If this album was the only thing I had to judge Raven off of, I would say that we could be best friends. 

But then I saw something. My heart began to race. Long dark hair and a beautiful smile. I paused for a moment and ran through the probability that I was mistaken. Low. “Is this Octavia Blake?” I asked her awkwardly zooming into my old friend. 

Raven paused and studied me. “Yes…How do you know her?” 

“I grew up with her. We’re old friends.” I explained quickly. What a small world. 

“She’s my best friend. And my old roommate that I mentioned earlier.” Raven explained. She frowned, “What did you say your name was again?” 

“Clarke.” 

Her face fell. It was like a tower of blocks had come tumbling down- written across her face. “Oh,” she breathed out, looking away quickly. 

I made a face. “What?” my voice asked with some edge. 

“You’re the one with the sister.” She continued. “Octavia’s mentioned you. A lot, actually. That was a pretty traumatizing experience for her, too.” 

I frowned. Suddenly, I remembered that Octavia had been Madi’s friend too. Visions of the three of us hanging out flashed before my mind. Soccer. Throwing popcorn in each other’s mouth. Spying on Bellamy and his friends. He would catch us and chase us around the house while we went into fits of giggles. Building forts. Helping Octavia’s mom make her famous cookies. One time, Madi through a water balloon at Octavia’s eye. Octavia was never one to try in front of people, so the two got into an intense water fight. I had to mediate, as always. 

The death of Madi affected so many people besides just me. The thought sent icy shivers down my spine. Octavia had lost her best friend, too. And then she lost me, too. I did not remember so many moments with Octavia because they were speckled with Madi. 

I held back the tears that formed in my eyes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ Raven began. 

I waved her off. “It’s fine. Actually, do you have Octavia’s number. I left my phone at a motel, so I don’t have it.” 

“Yeah. I’ll write it down for you.” The woman answered walking to a desk and scribbling at paper. 

Handing over the paper she continued, “You know, Octavia said that she just saw you a few days ago. For the first time in a long time. She was really excited.” 

Pain welt up in my chest. “It’s kind of a long story. Do you want to get a drink?” I asked her with a shrug. It’s not like Lexa would leave the hotel room anyway. 

“I would love to!” Raven smiled.


	20. Two of Cups

_Two of Cups represents romantic love, partnership, proposal, and marriage_

The thing about Raven Reyes was that I knew I could trust her immediately. Maybe it was because she was close to Octavia. Or maybe it was the way that she spoke to me like I was a normal person, despite knowing so much about my tragic life. She had this presence when she spoke to you that made you feel like you were the only person in the room. Her chocolate brown eyes were wide, and she wore her heart on her face. 

“Who’s this?” Raven had asked me, holding a small piece of paper in her fingertips. It had fallen out of Lexa’s side door. I moved close to her to look at the picture. It was Lexa with another woman. The other woman was taller than Lexa and had an almost white blonde hair. Lexa looked so happy as she had a goofy, wide-eyed smile. 

“Her sister, Anya.” I replied not really knowing the answer. 

Raven smirked. “She’s gorgeous.” I eyed her suspiciously, tensing my body. “Her sister,” she continued.

I let out a breath, almost chuckling at myself. 

“Is she single?” Raven asked. 

It struck me that I did not know anything about Anya or Lexa’s home life. “You’ll have to ask Lexa.” 

At the bar, I sank vodka down my throat. When I did not fully understand the situation with my sister, I felt as if I was an alien when I was sober. I struggled to breathe air, so instead, I just drowned myself in vodka. Why die from the weight of a burden if you can drown yourself in vodka first? But since discovering the truth about Madi, I no longer felt the urge to drink myself to death. If anything, remembering Madi and the way that she abused alcohol and drugs, it made me not want to drink.  
But tonight, I was with Raven, who I felt like was an old friend. She took me to a restraunt that had stringed lights hanging on the outdoor patio and music bumping loudly. I spilled my heart out about the situation with Madi and my relationship with Octavia. 

“So are you and Lexa…together?” Raven asked me. A suggestive look grew on her face. She twirled her red wine in her glass. 

I hesitated. “Yes.” I replied. 

“That didn’t sound too confident, Clarke. What’s the problem?” Raven inquired. She was the type of person that you would ask about all the latest gossip because she always knew. You could say that she was nosey, but I like to think that she just knows which questions to ask. 

I gulped. Red crept across my cheeks. “Well, it’s complicated. I kind of just met her a few days ago. Oh, and I’m married.”

Raven almost spat out her drink as she burst out laughing. “You’re married, and you went on a trip to see the Northern Lights with a woman that you didn’t know but find blindingly attractive?” 

I took a long pull of my drink. Yeah, that sounds a lot worse when you say it aloud. “That’s what happened.” I twisted my face. 

“Well, I like Lexa. Although, she seems a little…” Raven trailed off. 

“A little what?” I asked with an edge of defense and curiosity. 

Raven paused for a moment. “Unstable.” 

...  
In Banff, Lexa and I were lost deep within the woods. Lexa made us follow this small path that was definitely not the main trail. One of those paths that looks like someone biked over it once. She was certain that it led to something hidden that no one knew about. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. It was too beautiful outside to argue with Lexa about her crazy adventures. 

But we had been hiking on this path for about an hour now, and my stomach began to churn. “I think we’re lost.” I said stopping. 

“We’re not lost,” Lexa snapped. I stepped back surprised. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.” She said apologetically. “I just mean that all we have to do is go straight backwards, so aren’t lost.” 

“Maybe we should turn back soon then?” I put my hand over my stomach which rumbled loudly. 

Lexa’s face turned sour. “A few more minutes, okay?” 

I sighed and continued walking forward. Lexa lead the way carrying a small backpack filled with extra jackets and water. 

The picture that Raven had showed me the day before had been burned in my mind. “Are you close with your sister, Anya?” I blurted out. 

“I suppose,” Lexa replied not looking back from the trail. After a moment she continued, “Why?” 

I sighed. “You just never talk about her. Tell me about her.” 

Lexa stopped in her tracks and made a face. When her eyes gazed into mine, her face softened. She continued forward. “Okay. Anya is two years older than me, and she’s very…protective. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, and she’s my rock.” 

“Why aren’t you answering any of her calls?” I questioned. It became hard to breathe trying to keep up with Lexa’s pace, which just increased. 

“She doesn’t exactly know about my little adventure…” Lexa trailed off. 

I frowned. “Why?” 

Lexa pushed a branch out of her way. Behind the branch, their was a beautiful scene that made my jaw drop. Hidden in between two mountains, a small bubbling spring gargled at us. Excitedly, Lexa giggled as she ran towards the spring. “Clarke! Look, we found it.” Her smile grew to her eyes. 

She threw off her backpack. “Let’s get in!” She called to me. 

“What?” I asked confused. “Is the water warm?” It was around 60 degrees outside. I was not going into glacier water, that’s for sure. This spring was steaming out and bubbling like it was a pan on a stove top. 

Lexa bent over and put her hand in the water. “It feels so good.” She smiled at me. 

Following her, I put my hand in the water. To my surprise, it was warm like a hot bath. I could feel my hand melting into the water, begging my whole body to just slide in. Lexa began to take off her jacket and boots. 

“Are you really getting in?” I asked her baffled. 

She gave me a crooked smile. “Yes, and you are too.” 

Even though I wanted to go in, I fake pouted. “Come on, Clarke.” Lexa begged. Biting my lip, I agreed. Lexa pulled off her shirt to reveal a perfect slim, tan body that instantly made me drool. 

Lexa smirked at me. “Slow poke.” She teased. Her hands reached over to help me pull off my shirt. My heart began to race at her touch. When my shirt came off, lips were instantly on mine. Lexa grabbed my hips and pushed them towards her. Hot. Aggressive. Intense. 

It only lasted for a few seconds. Lexa was pulling me into the hot springs with her as I giggled. Once I was in the water, my body, along with my mind, relaxed into it. The spring was deeper than I thought, reaching my neck. Lexa tangled her arms around my body, holding me up. 

“I have a surprise for you tomorrow.” She whispered in my neck, sending shivers down my spine. 

I pulled away from her smiling. “What is it?” 

Playfully, she rolled her eyes. “Don’t you know what a surprise it?” 

Truth be told, I hated surprises. My parents had tried to throw me a surprise party for my 16th birthday because it was my golden birthday. I became so anxious and annoyed by their secrecy and change of plans, that I was enraged that day. Madi had slipped in the passenger seat of my car before I stormed off. She laughed as she told my stone face what was really happening. She said that she was afraid that I would not show up to my own surprise party. 

But I was not going to tell Lexa that. I forced a smile as my head swam through all the possibilities of what it could be. 

“Relax.” She told me, pulling me closer to her. “You’ll love it. Nothing to be stressed about.” 

Looking into her eyes, they were darker than I had ever seen them before. Typically, I would say that her eyes were a forest green, like the color of an evergreen. But now they looked almost brown in hot spring. The sun glittered on us through the branches of the trees. 

“I’m not stressed.” I lied. Maybe Lexa had figured out my tell in my eyes when I was not being honest. 

“That’s a shame,” she smirked. “If you were, maybe I could have helped you relieve that stress.” 

My mouth grew dry. It was like suddenly, I felt like I had been chewing on cotton all morning. “How?” I asked, already envisioning the answer. 

Her lips met mine. Passion met love. Our tongues danced and battled for dominance simultaneously. “You’re gorgeous, Lexa.” I panted. 

It took one look from her green eyes. 

And that was when we made love for the first time.


	21. Seven of Wands

_Seven of Wands represents self-defense and protection against competition_

I know for a fact that I did not sleep with Lexa that night we met at Grounders. There is no way I ever would have forgotten being with her, regardless of how much alcohol I consumed that night. Everything about her is unforgettable. And everything about that moment was unforgettable. 

I was in pure bliss for the rest of the day. Little did I know, that would not be lasting very long. 

When we got done with our hike, we decided to rent a motel. I took a long, hot shower. Goosebumps pricked at my skin like it was still cold from the moment I took my clothes off to swim. I began to hum, which is something that I only do when I am happy. 

Outside of the shower, I wrapped myself in the motel’s towel. Lexa was pacing around the room, but she stopped when she saw me. The way she looked at me was almost animalistic. “Wow,” she pranced towards me. “Every time I see you, I’m struck at how beautiful you are.”

A blush spread across my face. Lexa kissed me unexpectedly. 

“Drinks?” She asked me. 

I nodded, feigning a smile, but Lexa had begun to pace again. Drinking too much did not seem to mesh well with me. I am not sure why it took me so long to see that I was using alcohol as an escape from reality, and I recognized that a large part of me still yearned for that escape. If not more than before. Knowing the truth can be unbearable at times. But like Lexa said, isn’t it better to feel it all rather than miss it all? 

Lexa had been muttering to herself quietly as she paced. I found this strange as it reminded me of an evil doctor plotting to take over the world. 

“What are you pacing about?” I asked her furrowing my eyebrows. Over the past few days I noticed Lexa only paced when she was extremely stressed or extremely excited. I braced myself for one of her big ideas to come splurging out of her mouth. 

Lexa threw me a look. “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“Like what?” I asked confused. 

She studied me for a moment. Her eyes squinted even lower. “You only have that look on your face when you talk about your sister.” 

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but air came up. 

“Oh my god!” Lexa exclaimed in disbelief. She pointed a finger at me and stepped towards me. Glancing into her green eyes for the few second I could, I saw how energized they were. They were practically radiating enough electricity for the motel room. 

“I remind you of her.” Lexa finished. 

Still in my towel, I wrapped myself tighter. I stumbled over the next words like someone tripping over roots of a tree. 

“Ohmygod.” Lexa began to pace faster, ignoring my attempts to explain myself. “This is why you came. Because I helped you put the pieces together. We are like puzzle solvers, Clarke. Huh! We could get a Mystery Machine van and start traveling around in that!” 

Lexa went from furious to honored in second. I was confused by her reaction, but I was even more happy that I did not upset her. 

“What I’m Daphne and you’re Freddy?” I chuckled at her. 

Lexa scoffed. “If we were anyone from Scooby Doo it would be Scooby and Shaggy obviously,” 

“Lexa, they’re best friends.” I replied with a suggestive tone. 

Lexa frowned for a moment, but it turned to a smile quickly. “Yeah, so are we, right?” 

I rolled my eyes at her. “If you want to be best friends, then fine. No more kissing. Or anything else.” It was playful. Her jaw dropped for a moment. Lexa stepped towards me and slid my towel down so that it fell to the floor. 

“Daphne and Freddy it is.” She smirked. 

...  
“I will make millions off of this idea. Are you ready?” Lexa smiled at me with her perfect teeth. Our hands were locked together as Lexa sang them happily back and forth. Walking to the bar a few blocks away, the town was lit up by streetlamps and bright signs. This town is known for their fun nightlife. 

“Always,” I smiled at Lexa, who looked like a child. 

She began talking so quickly. “you know the saying toasted like as in drunk like ‘hey gonna get toasted tonight with my friends?’” 

I hestitated, interrupting her. “Ummm, I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.” 

“What?! How have you never heard that. That’s totally a thing. But anyway. I need to do something with toasted as in drunk and as in toasting marshmallows. I could make a cute sign! Or a restraunt where you get toasted while toasting your marshmallows. Yes! A smores bar.” 

“And you could serve smores flavored drinks!” I added. 

She stopped walking and looked at me with wide eyes. “I am so in love with you.” Her green eyes poured into mine making my body melt. I know that she said it in a way that should be joking, but the strength behind her words made them feel so powerful and uplifting. 

I could not even stop a smile from forming. “Would you think I’m crazy if I said the same?” 

“Yes,” Lexa giggled. “But that’s why I love you.” 

I’ve never felt better in my whole lifetime. Being with Lexa was being ontop of a mountain. Or one of those moments in movies where the main character sticks their head out the window of a car on the interstate. Think Charlie in the Perk’s of being a Wallflower at the end in the truck. Raising his hands letting the wind hit him.   
At the bar, Lexa has already drank too much, and I am getting annoyed. The bartender is a middle aged man who has just given Lexa her second free drink. 

“Do you want to go back soon? I’m getting tired.” I ask her tugging at her wrists. 

Lexa’s hair was running wild. Typically, she wore her hair in a tight braid, but tonight it was down and loose. “Tired? I’m having so much fun, Clarke.” 

I closed my eyes to resist the eyeroll that I could feel coming. The bartender came up to us again. His hair was tucked under a baseball cap that he wore backwards. A clean, freshly shaved face revealed dimples when he smiled. “Ladies, interested in any of this?” He motioned to his hand that held a powdered white substance. 

“Is that cocaine?” I asked in disbelief. Lexa was staring at him with an unreadable expression. After a moment, she looked at me and an almost sinister smile grew on her face. 

“Yes,” she replied. 

My eyes popped out of their sockets. “What?” 

“One line won’t kill anyone, baby. It’ll be fine.” Lexa reassured me placing a hand on mine. 

I could not even contain my outrage. “Since when do you do cocaine?” 

“Uh since now,” Lexa smiled at me with attitude. 

The man lined up a row on the table. He used credit cards to make a perfectly straight row. It reminded me of cropped corn, and yes, I know that makes me sound so hick. Iowa does that to me sometimes. “This ones on the house.” He winked at her. 

“Don’t do this, Lexa.” I said desperately and sternly at the same time. 

But she did. Her finger covered up one of her nostrils as she breathed in the white powder. She looked up at me when she finished the line with a face that read ‘what are you going to do about it? Anger immediately turned me red. She really was just like Madi sometimes. 

Aggressively, I pushed myself up from the chair I had been sitting in. I stormed towards the exit of the bar ignoring Lexa’s calls. Suddenly, Lexa stood in front of me, blocking the exit. 

“Where are you going?” She asked like she could not believe that I was leaving after she just did drugs. 

I crossed my arms. “Back to the motel.” I bit at her. 

“Without me?” Lexa spat. I watched her face grow dark. 

I made a sour face. “Looks like you’re having plenty of fun here.”

“Who were you going to meet at the motel?” Lexa accused. 

I glanced around the room in confusion. “Wait. What? No one. I’m leaving because you’re doing drugs, Lexa. And I don’t like it.” 

“Well, you don’t get to control that Clarke.” Lexa said, although, I saw a spiting image of Madi saying the same thing to me when I caught her doing weed. 

My body tensed. A man wearing an oversized flannel approached us. “Is everything okay here?” He asked, slurring his words. I rolled my eyes at him. 

“Everything’s fucking fine.” Lexa snapped at the man. “It’s none of your business anyway!” 

I had never seen Lexa so angry before. It made me feel unsettled. The type of unsettled that makes you walk into the woods with your newborn baby and not remember a thing. 

“Look-“ the disgusting man began. He placed his hand on my shoulder. I tried to wiggle away uncomfortably. But Lexa was already furious. 

“Don’t touch her!” She screamed. 

And before I even registered what happened, Lexa had thrown a punch to the man’s face. 

For the first time ever, I was in the middle of a bar fight.


	22. Two of Wands

_Two of Wands represents waiting for results, making a choice, and travel plans_

I woke up the next morning angry. Angry at Lexa and even angrier at myself.

When we had gotten back to the motel room last night, I was furious, but I was also scared. The whole walk home Lexa and I had been bickering with each other. Words were unable to come out of my mouth at the rate that Lexa had been speaking. And the intensity that she spoke to me with made me feel so small yet loved at the same time. It was a strange phenomenon that I had never experienced before. 

In the light, I could see the bruise that was forming on Lexa’s jaw. “Does it hurt?” I asked softly. 

“No, I’m fine.” Lexa replied coldly turning away. Why was she always walking so fast? 

Racing up with her. “You need ice, Lexa.” 

“Don’t act like you care about me now, Clarke.” She said my name with the k popping out, the way that made my stomach flop. It’s strange that the same thing could make my stomach flop in a whole different direction. 

My jaw dropped. “I’ve always cared about you!” It came out forcefully. “You’re just being stupid right now.” 

“Stupid?” She stepped toward me with a razor-sharp look. 

My lip twitched. Confidence swelled inside of me. “Yes. I don’t even recognize you right now.” My spine straightened. 

Lexa took another step towards me. Her face was right next to mine, our mouths practically touching. I felt her cool breath on my neck. Dark green eyes looked at with me such intensity that I was sure that she wanted to kill me. It took all of my strength to not falter under her powerful gaze. Apart of me wanted to turn away, but it felt like that would be letting her win. Letting her think that the events that unfolded the past night were okay with me, and they most definitely were not. So my blue eyes locked with her in an intense eye duel. 

After a few seconds, Lexa began inching even closer to me. “Do you recognize this?” Her voice was a harsh whisper. Next, her lips hovered over mine, touching them slightly. Her teeth bit the bottom of my lip slowly. We began kissing so hard that for a moment I thought I was going to stop her, but I pushed my lips back against hers. We were biting each other. Pulling each other’s hair. Whispering cruel things in each other’s ears. The sex lasted for hours, and it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. 

I woke up this morning on the floor. After we were done, I rolled my body onto the floor. The wooden floor was hard and cold compared to Lexa’s body, which by now I was used to sleeping next to. I curled up in a blanket and let myself drift off to sleep. 

A loud crash is what had woken me up. Instinctively, I lifted myself up off the floor quickly. Lexa stood in the corner with her hands covering her mouth. A bow laid by her feet. Her brunette hair was down, wild like the night before. A laugh escaped her lips, filling the room. 

“Lexa, what the hell.” I said. An arrow poked out of the wall. 

“I did not mean to do that,” She said still giggling uncontrollably. Chipper in the morning as usual.

Groaning, I plopped myself on the bed. The softness felt so much better on my back. I could sleep for at least another three hours. “Why do you have a bow and arrow?” I asked with my eyes closed. 

“So we can hunt our food!” Her hair bounced when she jumped up. 

“Lexa, what? Why would we hunt our food when we could just buy it? Don’t you need a license for that or something?” I questioned opening my eyes to look at her. 

She waved her hand like she was shooing a fly away. “It will be fun!” 

The look on her face told me she was serious. “Should we talk about what happened last night?” I asked sitting up. I leaned my head against the headboard.   
For the flash of a second, Lexa’s face grimaced. It was like she tried to think and feel the events that happened the previous night, but she was not able to. Almost like something else was in control. But I noticed the quick switch, so fast that if I blinked, I would not have seen it. 

“What is there to talk about?” She asked furrowing her eyebrows. 

I threw her a glance. “Pretty much everything,” came slowly out of my mouth. 

A twitch again. The green in Lexa’s eyes turned into an intense light. It felt like she was burning through me with her gaze. 

“I’m just starting to get worried about you, Lexa.” I said trying to ease the tension. “You’re acting a little…” I trailed off realizing that I was about to echo what Raven had said. 

“A little what, Clarke?” She challenged. 

I crossed my arms. “Crazy” 

“God, you sound just like my sister!” Lexa yelled enraged. She took the bow that she was holding in her hands and struck it hard against her thigh. A crack rippled through the room. 

“Fuck!” She muttered swiping her hand through her tangled hair. The bow as broken as Lexa. 

I jumped up, feeling annoying bubble throughout my veins. “Well, what am I supposed to think when you start talking about hunting food? Or taking drugs? Or how about that car accident we got in yesterday?” I spat at her through clenched teeth. 

“You were the one person I cared about that hadn’t called me crazy.” Her voice shifted to sadness. Clenched fists followed Lexa squeezing her eyes shut tightly. Despite her clenching her body so tightly to maintain control, she was still shaking. I was afraid that she would implode like an earthquake, shaking up this entire motel room. 

“I didn’t say that you are crazy. I said you are acting crazy!” I defended quickly. 

Lexa huffed. “There’s something wrong with me.” 

“What?” I asked her, taking a step towards her. 

She closed her eyes again. “I don’t know. But I feel so damn good right now. And if you try to stop it, you will only end up hurt. Please don’t make me hurt you. I really don’t want to. I love you so much.” Lexa’s eyes were pleading with mine, but she said the words with a half-smile on her face. “Just ride it with me!” 

I’m not sure why, but I nodded. I felt like I had been in this moment before, except I had said no instead of yes. Saying yes felt like the only reasonable thing to do at the time. A strong magnetic pull forced me to gravitate towards Lexa, as she took my hand. A wide smile grew across her face. I was in a Lexa induced high that I could not get out of, despite the tugging feeling in my heart. It told me to go with her and keep her safe. It screamed at me to let go. But there were whispers that this behavior looked like something I had seen before. Silently telling me that this was all so…familiar. 

When she kissed me, I kissed her back. 

“Let’s go see the northern lights then!” I smiled at her.


	23. The Hanged Man

_The hanged man represents wisdom, self-sacrifice, and getting a different perspective_

Lexa opened the door to a different car that morning. She threw her stuff in the side of a dark blue jeep. 

“Where’s your car?” I asked hesitantly. 

Lexa shrugged nonchalantly. “It wouldn’t start. I think I left the lights on on accident. I rented a new one for now. We can come back for it while they work on it.”

“All they need to is jump start it if your battery is dead?” I narrowed my eyes at her. 

She grimaced. “Okay, fine. I may have gotten into a little accident, too. It’s no big deal.” 

“What happened?” My jaw dropped as I sat in the passenger seat next to Lexa. 

“Nothing. It’s fine.” She said with a bite of annoyance. 

I paused. “Why did you just lie about that?” 

I saw her knuckled turn white while she gripped the steering wheel. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry.” She said. 

For some of the drive, it was silent. The music was the only thing between us, playing softly as the scenery sped up around us. The drive was gorgeous. Mountains and lakes passed by us, along with meadows filled with domestic animals. Canada really is beautiful. It’s not a place that I would think about going to visit, but now it is a place that I will never forget. 

It did not take long for Lexa to start talking, and she did not stop. I never minded though because I loved listening to her. There was passion that filled her voice that was as contagious as a cold. Her ideas were brilliantly stupid, so random, yet sometimes so innovative and creative. It seemed like she would talk as fast as the car was going, occasionally slowing down and stopping. And the subjects turned as quickly as she would switch lanes on the interstate to pass cars. It felt like we were flying together. In the car and in our minds. There is something innocent and precious about someone who confuses stars with streetlights. 

“I’m scared, Clarke.” She confided in me. Her body was bouncing up and down to the beat of the song. 

I turned my body towards her. “Why?” 

“I have so much energy. Like drinking a hundred shots of expresso. Like how I felt on cocaine last night, except even worse. You don’t think it’s still affecting my mind, right? No, cocaine only lasts for minutes. I don’t know why I did that. I would never do cocaine. I have never even smoked weed. I hate drugs. I just feel so out of control right now. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like so insanely good and I have so much energy, but I can’t control it. And I am a huge control freak. So I hate this. I hate this so much. Like I feel as if I am charged with electricity but it’s too much and I’m just going to burst. Like lightening. And It’s so fast. I can’t even tell you what I’m thinking fast enough. Because they’re like moving at the speed of light- the thoughts in my mind.” 

It felt like minutes before I could get a full sentence in with Lexa. “That sounds really scary. Do you want me to drive? Maybe you should try to sleep.” I suggested. 

“I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep well in general. But in the past few days I have slept so little and it’s baffling how much energy I have because usually when I don’t get enough sleep I am a grump.” Lexa explained. 

I nodded, but my heart sank. I went into vortex of memories with my sister, Madi. She pulled me inside tightly, like if I did not go with her then I would not be able to breathe. 

“What are you doing?” I had said to her. Walking in her room, she had turned it into an art studio. Paints of vibrant colors were scattered on the floor. She h=wore a messy bun and a kitchen apron that she was using to look like an artist. 

“Painting.” Her reply was quick because she was so focused on her canvas that stood in the middle of the room. It was like she was giving all her energy to the canvas and muttering the word out to me was too costly. 

“Since when do you paint? I thought I was the artist in the family.” I laughed stepping to see her painting. She was painting an abstract image full of luminous colors and shapes. My jaw dropped at the beauty and the sudden understanding that my body had with the picture. It was a beauty that cannot be explained in words because the mind is not able to grasp it. 

“Woah, this is really good, Madi.” I breathed shakily. 

A goofy smile lit up her face. “You really mean that? That means so much coming from you, Clarke.” 

“Yes. I honestly had no idea that you could do something like this.” I responded feeling a pang of pain. There was some jealousy, was she going to be the artist of the family? Was she better than I was? There was some resentment, too. Why did she hide that from me? 

“They’re better than what I painted the past few days. Those scared me.” She responded showing me a stack of canvases piled in the corner. Looking through them, there were paintings with dark colors. Black mostly and red swirling together to create something that was even painful to look at. 

“What are these?” I asked Madi. The paintings were so dark. 

“That’s just how I feel sometimes, Clarke. Don’t you? Don’t we all?” Her attention was back on her painting. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I just feel so hopeless sometimes. And I feel so happy other times. But most of the time, I just feel fucking scared. But isn’t fear the underlying feeling of every action anyway. Fear or love. There’s so much pain. Sometimes, I can’t take it, so painting is the only way to release it.” Madi trembled. 

I nodded. “I know what you mean, Madi. You know that I’m here for you when it gets too much. What’s going on with you anyway?” 

Her face twitched. Just like it did with Lexa. A slight grimance- her cheek lifting upward for a split second like she was fighting. Like she was trying so desperately to gain control, but she was not able to. 

That was the first thought I had that maybe Lexa was fighting the same demons that Madi had fought.

I could not let Lexa end up like Madi.


	24. King of Cups

_The King of Cups represents a supportive leader, tolerance, and empathy_

I knew that Lexa would have been pissed if she found out, but I had to do it. Honestly, I felt like I did not have another choice. When Lexa had finally passed out, I swiped her phone off of the nightstand. This would be one of my only chances, knowing how little Lexa sleeps. She usually takes her phone with her everywhere like most people do nowadays. I had her password memorized because I watched her unlock her phone countless times. 

Tiptoeing out of the motel room, I silently closed the door. In that moment, I felt like how I imagined Lexa feels when she sneaks out every night. Careful not to wake me out of respect for me, yet out of trying to maintain her freedom. My finger scrolled through her call history which was overflowing with the name Anya. Lexa had called her only a handful of times compared to the times Anya had called Lexa. 

Letting out a shaky breath, I pressed the phone next to my ear tightly. The moon was full and looking down at me like it would keep my secrets. 

The line did not ring for very long before there was an answer. 

“Anya?” I asked hesitantly with my heart beating out of my chest. 

“Who is this?” a sharp tone asked from the other end of the phone. Her voice was smooth and deep, not at all how I anticipated. Her tone was serious, so unlike Lexa.   
I fumbled on my words. “Um…My name is Clarke. I’ve been traveling with your sister for a few weeks now.” 

“Where are you? What happened to Lexa?” Anya panicked. 

“We are in Canada right now.” I explained quickly, suddenly feeling intimidated. “Lexa isn’t hurt, but I’m worried about her. I think something is wrong with her.” My voice was low and accusatory. Saying the words aloud felt like treason. Glancing back at the door to the motel, I thought I could see Lexa standing there, but there was nothing. 

There was silence. “Clarke, you cannot let Lexa know that you called me. Not right now. She will stop trusting you.” 

I nodded and swallowed a lump in my throat. “Okay.” It was a promise. A bond between people who were both sisters. 

“How is she acting?” Anya asked.

“Irrational. She did cocaine the other night. And got in a fight. Oh, and she stole a car and now we are hiding from the police.” I babbled to Anya, sucking in my breath at every syllable. 

“WHAT?” Anya yelled from the other end of the phone. 

Earlier that day, Lexa had been flying down the road towards Alaska. We were so close to the border of being back in the US, not like it was much different. It was starting to get cold and more snow began to pop up on the peaks of mountains. 

Lexa said she was not hungry, but my stomach had felt hallow. She agreed to pull over at this diner that was off of the highway. The stares that we got when we went in made it obvious that they rarely got visitors. I ordered a hamburger with fries. When I finished, I licked my fingers and watched Lexa nervously shake her legs. She had eaten a few bites of her food but that was all. 

“You aren’t hungry?” I asked her suspiciously. “What’s up with you?” 

“Nothing,” Lexa said so forcefully it was unconvincing. Plus, she could not make eye contact and threw the fakest smile at me. 

“You’re shaking like you have Parkinson’s disease.” I joked. 

Lexa frowned. “That’s not funny. My grandma has Parkinson’s.” 

“Sorry.” I mumbled. “But why are you so jumpy?” But when I looked out the window, I knew what Lexa was looking at. There was a cop car that had pulled in.

I looked at Lexa, who was practically screaming ‘I’m guilty!’ Lowering my gaze, I whispered, “What did you do?” 

A nervous laugh escaped her lips. “We should probably go.” 

My eyes grew wide. We rushed our bill and ran out into the car. Lexa let out a shaky breath relaxing once she was behind the steering wheel. 

“Lexa, what the hell is going on?” I gritted through my teeth. 

“Okay, so I may or may not have gotten this car in a way that the police would not approve of.” Lexa sugarcoated. 

“You stole it?” I bellowed furiously. 

“Not exactly what happened, but yes. I meant to rent it, but they were taking too long. And we are on a schedule.” Lexa explained. “I’ll return it don’t worry!” Her panic had shifted to lightness. 

I shook my head. “What is wrong with you?” 

“I don’t have room to think about that right now.” Lexa responded with a smile, pointing to her head.

I let out a loud groan. “I cannot get arrest, Lexa.” 

“We won’t, Clarke. What are we supposed to do about it now anyway? You’re an accomplice now.” She smirked at me like we were Bonnie and Clyde running away together. I did not feel that way. Being criminals together was the opposite of romantic in my book. I wanted to rip my skin off. 

Not soon after, we ended up at a motel because Lexa suddenly had gotten tired. It was not very late, so I was surprised, but she had complained about not sleeping well, and I was not going to object. Being in a car all day does something weird to my body. The idea and aesthetic of a roadtrip are so much better than actual roadtrips. 

I stood on outside, leaned against the railing with the phone pressed against my ear. I had called Anya because I was worried about Lexa, and to be honest myself. There was no way I could ask my parents or Finn for help. I know that my parents would help but not without the whole ‘I told you so’ spiel. I am an adult and do not want to be chastised by my parents anymore. An ache went through my heart for my babygirl, Madi. I knew that when I returned home I could be so much more of a mother to her than I ever could have before. 

“Okay listen,” Anya’s voice was frantic. “Something like this has happened once before with Lexa. She went on this spree where she did outrageous stuff, and she has never been the same since. I thought it was a one-time thing…like a quarter life crisis or something.” 

“Wait this has happened before?” I asked because I knew that was important. This was a pattern. Patterns always mean something, and you can always tell so much about a person’s character by their patterns. 

The light seeped through the blind from inside the hotel room. “I gotta go.” I said as quickly as Lexa usually speaks. My sweaty hands deleted the call that I had with Anya. I typed in my parents number and called then but hung up right away, so it would appear on her phone. 

Lexa was awake. My heart raced so quickly, but I tried so hard to remain calm and still. It helped to try to think of the ocean wave’s crashing against the sand. But the only waves I could envision at the moment were those of a hurricane. Large and destructive- ruining everything in their path. 

“What are you doing?” Lexa asked glancing at her phone. 

I forced a smile. “trying to call my parents to check on my daughter. They must be asleep though.” 

“Oh, yeah. You’re a mom. You don’t talk about It much I almost forgot.” Lexa commented looking up at the stars that lit up the sky. 

“So did I.” I muttered with a frown. 

“We’re less than an hour from Polaris. We could see the Northern Lights tonight. I already checked the weather and all of that stuff. It would be perfect, Clarke!” Lexa bounced up and down beaming from head to toe. 

Suddenly, I thought of Lexa as a teenager. The first time she had seen the Northern Lights was with her mom. What must she be thinking right now? I imagine Lexa’s mother with the same colored hair as her, dark brunette. I can see Lexa looking at her with admiration filling her eyes. I know that is where she got her passion from.   
I was less than an hour away from checking off the number one thing on my bucket list. People always say that it’s not about where you go, but it is about who you are with. 

Despite everything we had been through, there really is no one I would have rather been with in that moment than with Lexa. 

I took her hand and clung to it tightly. Our energies wrapped together tightly, and I imagined it releasing a kind of light that was just as beautiful as the Northern Lights. It suddenly made a perfect sort of sense that we would both want to see the Aurora Borealis. 

Auroras are the result of disturbances in the magnetosphere by solar wind. A magnifying and mystifying creation caused by a disturbance. Like Lexa was a disturbance in my life, so relentless that I could not stay away. She intruded my head the day that I met her at grounders and would not leave no matter how hard I tried to shake her out. 

But those disturbances in our lives make the most beautiful creations. The Northern Lights. Lexa’s adoration for her mother. The care I feel for Madi, both my sister and daughter. The love that Lexa and I share for each other. Bound together on the outskirts of the world, displaying a baffling amount of beauty.


	25. Temperance

_Temperance represents disruptive energy, chaos, and excess_

Lexa raced her car towards Polaris. The sun was long gone by now, sinking deep below the horizon so that the stars could shine brightly. Despite how late it was, I was not tired because I was so excited. The Northern Lights has always been the background on my lock screens on my phone and laptop. When I was in college, I even had a poster of the lights on my wall that I bought at a poster sale. Always, I have been drawn to these mysterious lights. The timing was perfect- we would see them tonight. At least, that is what I kept telling myself, afraid that if the Northern Lights heard my thoughts doubting their presence, then they may not come. 

“I can’t tell you how excited I am, Clarke.” Lexa broke the silence. “This is my first year without her.” Her face twisted. 

Reaching across the car, I laced our hands together. At the touch, I felt an energetic burst run through my hands. I did not say anything to her because sometimes silence can be more powerful than words. 

Darks shapes of mountains were on display outside of the car window. “Let’s camp here. This is where Raven told us to go.” She said. Outside, there was a large sign that read Polaris Campgrounds.

Raven. I thought about what she said about Lexa seeming unstable. How could she tell by the brief interactions that she had with her? Compared to me who had spent weeks with Lexa, and I was just starting to put the pieces together. I have always been slow with puzzles throughout my life. My family and I used to do actual puzzles together every thanksgiving. Madi would always give up because she would get so frustrated. I would sit at the table for hours making the progress of a turtle, which always resulted in me getting made fun of. But the important thing is that I always finished it. Yes, I always solved the puzzles. And that is why I am so successful in life. That is how I am a cardiologist. 

Lexa paid for our campground, and she sat up camp near the edge of trees. “There’s too many trees. We’ll never be able to see them. Let’s go find somewhere that we can.” She said when she was finished zipping the tent up. 

“Remember what happened last time we left our campsite in the night?” I smirked at her. 

Even though it was dark, I could see her eyes roll. “Come on,” she tugged at my arm, eventually sliding her hand down to grab mine. Lexa’s touch felt better than ever.   
Worry overtook me. “There’s definenlty more bears and moose here.” I muttered, but I did not stop walking along side of the beautiful woman. 

She shushed me playfully. “We are going stargazing.” 

Stumbling over a few tree branches, Lexa laughed at me louder than she should have. To make up for this, she helped me up and kissed me. A few times. The first time she kissed me, I got a wall of hair, which made both of us giggle. Hair is the biggest problem with a woman. But hey, if that is the biggest problem, then fine by me. 

We stumbled into a field with a perfectly clear sky speckled with bright stars. The mountains surrounded us making me feel like they blocked off the entire world just for us. It was just Lexa and I. It had always felt like it was Lexa and I against the world. Even before I knew her, this somehow seemed to be true. 

I laid down on a blanket next to Lexa. Our heads touched lightly, and she pointed out constellations to me. “We can’t see it right now, but Andromeda is my favorite.” 

“Why?” I asked her shifting to look at her. Her eyes were focused on the stars like she was in a trance. 

“Well, I kinda just feel bad for her. In Greek mythology, she was imprisoned on this island for the mistakes of her mother, Cassiopeia, which we can see. The W shape, right there. Eventually, Peruses saved her. But still, she had to suffer because of her mom. And I think maybe that story is still relevant to all of.” Lexa explained. 

I thought about what this meant to Lexa. Was she talking about the pain that she felt losing her mother? To me, I felt pain from my parents based off of the things that they taught me that I do not want to know. Like thinking negatively. The way that Lexa was so profound made my stomach flop. 

“We don’t have to suffer,” I said softly. “Maybe we can’t control the pain that we feel. But we can control how long that we feel it for. We don’t have to suffer in it.” 

Lexa’s eyebrows dropped for a moment. “Somethings feel like the pain is never ending.” Her voice was soft and vulnerable. 

“Don’t you think that there is as much pain as there is joy in the world?” I asked her. 

She did not answer, and when I looked up in the night sky, I understood why. There it was: The Northern Lights. A green strip of light ran overhead following by speckling green lights on the edges of the mountain peaks. Just like most cameras cannot capture the beauty of this phenomena, words do not do it justice either. It was poetic. Mystical. I felt a rush looking at it, like I finally understood the secrets of the world. 

“Wow,” Lexa whispered after a moment of silence. 

“It’s so much more beautiful in person.” I replied. My eyes were fixed on the green lights. It was also most like in the green of the lights I could see Lexa and Madi’s eyes simultaneously looking down at me. The intensity of the green scared me, yet I could not look away. It was like I saw all of the moments I had with the two of them flash before my eyes so quickly. I saw the similarities. Between their actions. Their words. Their facial expressions. Their tones of voice. Their behavior. 

Suddenly, I understood everything that had happened. 

I know that I am a trained medical professionally, but to be fair I cheated on all of the psychology classes that I had to take. Also, I was so far in my own head during this roadtrip that I missed some serious warning signs that Lexa was showing. I was too young to comprehend what Madi was going through, and my family did not even know.

Perhaps, I had always seen the similarities. 

Madi and Lexa both have bipolar disorder.


End file.
